The Face of Another - Kobo Abe [43]
In order to become completely someone else, I had to get out of my ordinary clothes. But unfortunately I had made no preparations for such a contingency, and that evening, deciding that mental adjustment made more difference than clothes, I decided simply to put on a jacket and go out. It was a commonplace, ready-made one that would surely not be conspicuous.
Walking on air as I was, it seemed strange that my weight should make the emergency stairs creak. Fortunately I met no one until I came out on the front street. However, the instant I turned the corner of the lane, I almost collided head on with a woman neighbor carrying a basket of groceries. Shocked as if I had bitten on a firecracker, I stood stock still in my tracks, but the woman simply glanced up and hurried on as if nothing had happened. Good. Wasn’t it the best assurance that nothing at all had happened?
I continued walking. Since for the time being my objective was just getting used to the mask, I had decided on no particular destination. As I had anticipated, simply walking at first was rather hard work. The joints of my knees were stiff as if rusty, and there was considerable looseness in the mask’s breathing apparatus. Although there was no question of the mask blushing, the muscles of my back were writhing with worry lest my shame, and my real face, be seen. If my mask could be penetrated, it was more likely to be due to my awkwardness. Since I was behaving like a suspect, I would be suspected. After all, I was merely trying to change the design on the wrapping-paper a little. All would be well if only I were not challenged. If I had no deception within me there was nothing to fear from anyone.
Though I reasoned in that way, my initial enthusiasm was gone, and I felt more and more dispirited, for my physical state betrayed my emotions just as my emotions betrayed my thoughts. I walked for about three hours. If there was a brightly lit shop window on my side, I would pretend interest in the store front across the street and cross over. If a street was glaring with neon street lights, I would pick my way toward the darker lanes, pretending to seek adventure. At a trolley stop, when I saw a car pulling up, I consciously hastened my steps to avoid meeting anyone; on the other hand, when someone overtook me, I deliberately slowed up to let them pass. I was finally disgusted with myself. I could continue walking in this fashion for days and never get used to managing the mask.
There was a small tobacconist’s that shared a shop front with a bakery. I decided to attempt a little exploit. The expression is exaggerated; all I decided was to purchase some cigarettes. As I approached, I began to experience palpitations in the area between my abdomen and my diaphragm. I began to shed tears. Suddenly the mask increased in weight and seemed about to slide off. My legs were cramped as if I were descending some fathomless precipice on a single rope. For a mere package of cigarettes, I was putting up a struggle as if I were in combat with some monster.
However, for some reason, as soon as my eyes met those of the shop girl, who came indifferently toward me, I instantly became audacious. Was it because the girl did not show any more reaction to me than to an ordinary customer? And was it also because I could feel the cigarette resting lightly in my fingers like a little dead bird? No, the reason seemed rather to lie in the transformation of the mask. I was afraid of my own shadow as long as I imagined others to be looking at me, but when I was actually looked at, I seemed to become aware of my real character. Perhaps in my imagination the mask was something that exposed me, but in actuality it was an opaque means of concealment. While beneath the mask the blood vessels expanded and the sweat glands poured out their moisture, the surface didn’t shed a single drop of perspiration.
Thus I was easily able to recover from my fear of blushing, but I was already exhausted. I did not have the energy to walk further and, hailing a taxi, I returned directly to the apartment.