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“And you want to write the sappy ever after,” I said.

“Something like that, yeah.”

“So instead of going to Santa or Bert the Cop and telling them that I am innocent in all this, you send me to the mistletoe forest, where I almost become a botany buffet? You then rescue me by sending me on a joyride with a crazed reindeer rocket. Then you throw a rock at my lip and smack me hard enough to take plaque off my teeth. That’s how you let a guy know you’re interested?”

“You’d rather have a card with kittens on it?” Rosebud said.

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“Apparently, your tinsel doesn’t go all the way to the top,” Rosebud said. “First, I wasn’t completely sure you were innocent until I knew that Hall’s eye had been shot out. I was there, Gumdrop, invisible and standing right beside you. I don’t think you’re clever enough to come up with something so subtle. If you were going to ice someone, you’d be all tough about it and use your fist or a piece of lumber. Second, I could tell by the look on your face that you were innocent and that you knew you were being set up. I’ve been studying that mug of yours for quite a while and can read you like a By George comic book. I followed you to Ralphie, honey. I stayed invisible because if Cane had any idea we were together, he’d clam up and torpedo my story. When you started to head to Whoville, I was able to put some pieces together. Cane took a call from Lou Who a couple of weeks ago when we were having dinner. I went to talk to Lou Who but found him knocked out.”

“The sugar coma,” I said.

“Yeah, all the clues point to Cane,” she said. “But something is not right.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Your boyfriend sugar talks to Lou Who to keep him quiet.”

“Only I don’t think he did it,” Rosebud said. “Cane talks good, but he doesn’t close any deal. I’ve been alone with him, you know? He just can’t seem to bring himself to kiss me. He’ll spew hearts and flowers ’til pigs fly, but he never brings home the bacon, if you know what I mean? No killer instinct. Something told me to get you out of the way to give me a little more time. I led you to the mistletoe forest for safety and slipped Comet some dough to keep an eye on you.”

“Ukulele Who said a dame took care of Lou,” I said in a way that let Rosebud know I still wasn’t convinced. “And a duck told me he saw an elf and a good-looking honey go into the mistletoe forest the other day.”

“I don’t know who Ukulele is talking about, but the duck’s on the up and up, and he has good taste,” Rosebud said. “That was me and Dingleberry.”

“You got Dingleberry mixed up in all of this?” I asked.

“Oh, sweetie,” Rosebud said. “This is where it gets good.”

CHAPTER 15

Grown a Little Colder

THE MARSHMALLOW WORLD GAZETTE

Santa Agrees to Reexamine Treaty with Misfit Toys

Staff Writer

Misfit Isle officials have asked the Office of Santa Toy Standards to attend a summit regarding the banishment of Misfit Toys. With this year’s increased demand for toys, Misfit Isle believes there could be an opportunity to place slightly maligned toys with children. Santa has agreed to listen. Centuries ago, Santa established Misfit Isle as a state for damaged or poorly received playthings. “I do not enjoy the idea of separating the Misfit Toys,” Santa said. “But I believe good children deserve the best toys possible. I feel that if a Misfit Toy was given to a child, the child would be disappointed and the toy abused.” Misfit Toys once lived freely throughout Kringle Town until violence on elves and other toys compromised the order and safety of the community. Though there have been brief moments of civil unrest every few years, relations between Kringle Town and Misfit Isle have been peaceful. This is the first time Misfit Isle has proposed a treaty change. “I believe dis is a great opportunity for zee Misfit,” said Zsa Zsa Schnitzel, one of the organizers of the summit. “I tink Santa vill see that zee Misfits can make vittle children very happy.” Santa plans to visit Misfit