The Freedom Writers Diary - Erin Gruwell [31]
I am living a lie. I am struggling with a deep secret—being a “closet drinker.” I walk around with my water bottle pretending to be better than what I am. Deep down inside it hurts me that I can’t bring myself to tell anyone about my problem. I do want to change, but it’s so hard. It’s so hard for me to change because I fear that people will not like the sober me. I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s just a daily routine like getting up in the morning, going to the bathroom, and brushing your teeth.
I can’t keep on hiding the fact that I’m an alcoholic. I’m hiding it from my mom, Ms. G, and all of my friends. I know I need help, but how do I go about getting it? It has got to be hereditary because not only do I have this problem, but my grandfather, my dad, and his mom had this problem also. I guess I was going to end up with it myself sooner or later.
Let me tell you about my day. I woke up craving orange juice with a little hint of vodka. Guess what I did? As usual, I went to my secret stash, and poured my favorite drink, vodka and orange juice. I started wondering how I am going to achieve anything in life, if I can’t even start the day without alcohol.
Of course my mom was already at work, so I walked out the door with my water bottle filled with O.J. and vodka and went to school like it was an everyday thing. The thing that really got me was when I got to school, no one, I mean not even Ms. G or even my best friend, had any idea that I was drunk. I talked to my friends and teachers and they didn’t know. You know why? Because I have a trick: I stop off at the donut shop and buy a pack of gum after I get off the bus. Smart, huh?
During P.E. I almost drowned because my legs gave out on me while I was in the pool. Everyone thought it was because I was feeling fatigued, but I knew it was because I was drunk. At lunch I could hardly stand. I ran to the bathroom and puked all over the stall. I tried to convince myself that it was because of the flu or something. By dinnertime I was back to the way people always saw me; sweet, smart, and innocent.
My drinking never really bothered me before we started reading all these books about people changing and wanting to make a difference. It makes me feel like such a hypocrite. The story that sticks with me the most is how the Nazis deliberately hurt innocent people like Anne Frank, and in my case, I’m the one who’s hurting myself. I’m the one choosing to hide. Unfortunately, Anne Frank was never free. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be.
Diary 35
Dear Diary,
Tonight I just finished one of the books for our read-a-thon, called The Wave. This story is about a school experiment that shows how peer pressure can get out of hand. One of the main characters was a guy by the name of Robert Billing. He pressured and bullied other teenagers into acting like modern-day Nazis. The teenagers were like sheep blindly following a leader. After reading this book, I realized how teens are very gullible; getting tricked into doing things against their will because they want to fit in and be popular. That must be why Hitler preyed on children. It’s amazing how he controlled thousands of teenagers called the “Brown Shirts.” I can’t believe how peer pressure can take charge of a person’s life and change who they are. I know that stories like this are true because I’ve experienced peer pressure myself. I wanted to hang out with the so-called “cool” crowd so badly that I was talked into doing things I knew were wrong.
I came to school one time and found my usual friends, and someone was telling the others about how they just got away with shoplifting. I wondered how they did it without getting caught. I listened to them because I never had