The Freedom Writers Diary - Erin Gruwell [52]
“Why didn’t I do anything to help him?” I asked myself. Maybe it was because I was scared of the consequences. Most likely, I would have been mauled by the crowd. Even though I could have been hurt, I wish I had done something. If Ms. G finds out that I just stood by and did nothing, she’ll really be pissed at me. After all, I wasn’t being very “self-reliant.” I just hope she doesn’t find out.
Diary 57
Dear Diary,
Today I finally grasped the true meaning of self-reliance. In class Ms. Gruwell handed out a self-evaluation sheet. We were asked to write the letter grade we felt we deserved, then write a brief comment on why we thought we deserved that grade. Immediately and without hesitation, I wrote “F.”
I have been having some trouble at home and have had to miss a lot of school lately. I just learned that my mom has a disease called lupus. All I know is that it affects her kidneys and makes her too weak to watch my younger brothers, or do anything for that matter. So instead of being at school, I’m usually home helping Momma because she needs me. No matter what my reasons are, I thought Ms. Gruwell should fail me. I was sad, embarrassed, but a little proud that I had been honest.
I sat in my chair, disappointed by how my situation had ended. Little did I know it was in fact just the beginning. Ms. Gruwell approached me and asked to speak with me in the hallway. At first I thought she would drop me, but since I was already in what the others teachers called “dummy” English, where else could I go? I figured she would simply give me the same speech other teachers had given me: “You’re failing and I know you’re bright, so get it in gear. OK?” Sometimes I just wanna say, “No shit, really? I’m failing, so how do I change that?” But in light of the many times I’ve been blown or brushed off, I keep it to myself. I walked into the hallway and immediately she turned to me and said, “What’s this?” She flashed my evaluation in my face. “Do you know what this means?” I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. Just when I thought she was at her boiling point, she turned it up a notch by adding, “FUCK YOU! That’s what this is! It’s a fuck you, and a fuck me, and a fuck everyone who’s ever cared about you!” Immediately our conversation became a road-trip to hell with me riding shotgun. I was thrown off, confused, flabbergasted, and to put it simply—shocked.
No one in my life has ever given me the facts so boldly. I had never had a “pep talk” like this. After my jaw seemed to wind itself back into its proper place, what she said began to sink in. She went on to tell me that “until I had the balls to look her straight in the face and tell her to fuck off, she was not going to let me fail, even if that meant coming to my house every day until I finished the work.” I couldn’t tell her off, so I just stood there with tears in my eyes.
What she showed me today is that a truly self-reliant person takes action, leaving nothing to chance and everything to themselves. She showed me that excuses will not bring about success and that adversity is not something you walk with, but something you leap over. The only obstacles are the ones you allow. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A truly self-reliant person finds his weak link and strengthens it. I want to be a self-reliant person, now and forever.
Diary 58
Dear Diary,
Our class is reading the part in The Catcher in the Rye where Hodlen Caulfield talks about his friend’s suicide. Holden, who usually doesn’t give a damn about anything or anyone, seemed to be really upset about the death of his friend. I never thought about the consequences or the effect that suicide would have on anyone else before. All I thought about was my own losing battle.
I have a problem. For the past two years I’ve been tormented by an illness that runs in my family. When I was four, my mother was diagnosed as “clinically depressed” because of a chemical imbalance. Luckily, she sought help before it was too late. She received