The Freedom Writers Diary - Erin Gruwell [53]
Now this illness, our family’s enemy, has returned to claim yet another victim. Against my will, I have been taken prisoner, and feel like I’m being punished for a crime I did not commit. My worst nightmare is now becoming my reality. Suicide is something that’s always on my mind, “24/7.” There isn’t a day that goes by without the enemy shooting suicidal thoughts through my mind. I am left injured and confused. Without notice, the enemy takes control of my mind and body and I become its puppet. My thoughts, as well as my feelings, are re-created into my worst fears. I start crying and screaming for no reason, raging with unexplainable anger stored deep inside of me. Then I am left feeling worthless, without any hope of living.
I even tried to take my life once, because I thought there was no other alternative. It was the day my mother and I got into a huge argument. Now that I think back, it seemed so fake. Like one of those corny after-school television specials. After the argument, not knowing what to do, I ended up in the kitchen. I felt a cold breeze as I entered. There I was, standing in the dark, holding a kitchen knife to my wrist. My heart began to beat faster and faster as I held out my arm. I pulled back my sleeve, exposing my wrist. My mind blacked out. I looked down to see that the knife had barely cut into my skin. The knife was too dull.
Diary 59
Dear Diary,
I’m going to tell you about the crazy mess I got myself into a couple days ago. It all started about a month ago when I was assigned to read the The Catcher in the Rye. I took one good look at the plain white cover and set it on my desk where it managed to collect dust. I thought to myself, “What can this book teach me?” I really wasn’t up to reading this book, but somehow I managed to pick it up. Like usual, I read the ending first. After taking a look at the type of vocabulary J. D. Salinger uses, I was hooked. I thought, “Hey, this is my type of book!” I instantly developed respect for the author because of his unique style of writing, not to mention the fact that he didn’t throw in some stupid preachy message. (You know, an attempt to save today’s youth.) Those sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice type of endings make me want to barf.
Well, I read the whole goddamn book. I was surprised how much I was able to relate to the main character, Holden. When Ms. Gruwell was trying to hype the book, she mentioned that our class was full of Holdens. Now I know what she meant. Like Holden, I think that everyone around me seems phony. I go to school with a bunch of conformists. Everywhere I look I see duplicates of the so-called perfect pattern. The teachers are the operators running the mind-control factory.
As for my parents, boy, do they think my every move is a deliberate plan to irritate them. My parents speak to me like I’m a child too wet behind the ears to know anything about life. I felt the need to escape. I was fed up with all the rules forced upon me. I didn’t want to play their crummy old game. So this is where my journey of breaking loose from the “system” began. Well, my attempt anyhow.
One night, a couple of girlfriends and I were sitting around watching TV and talking. You know, girl stuff. Then the phone rang. It was my mother. She just called to see what time I’d be home. I swear she’s a damn detective, always tracking me down. I told her I would be home in an hour. That was that. Well, an hour passed and I surely didn’t feel like going home. So, instead of heading home, my friends and I decided to take a drive to the beach. I don’t know how, but somehow between my friend’s house and the beach, we ended up in Las Vegas. I guess we must have taken a wrong turn somewhere? No, I’m just kidding, that was the explanation I gave my mother. Unfortunately, she didn’t buy it. The truth is my best friend had never been to Las Vegas and it seemed like a good idea at the time. We arrived in Las Vegas to witness the sunrise from behind the casinos. Once in