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WHAT STUDENTS CAN DO

Know that being different doesn’t mean you’re flawed

First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you just because you haven’t yet met people who share your interests or outlook on life. Unless you are doing something unhealthy or destructive, take pride in your beliefs, passions, and values. Know that you will eventually meet people who will appreciate you for being you.

Give everyone a chance

No matter your social status, there is plenty to gain from getting to know every student beyond a first impression. Do not automatically assume that you have little in common simply because you travel in different circles. And if you really don’t have anything in common with someone, don’t assume that you can’t be friends. Making an effort to understand and appreciate differences can be both enlightening and exhilarating.

Keep in mind that loneliness won’t last forever

Loneliness can be excruciatingly painful. But it is also temporary, and is not an excuse to engage in behaviors that make you uncomfortable. If you find that it is truly impossible to make friends, in or outside of school, at least take heart in knowing that you’re not the only one who feels that way and you won’t always be alone. In some cases, if loneliness slides into depression, it might help to talk about your feelings with a counselor.

Try humor and confidence

A Maryland high school freshman used to get teased about her obsessive-compulsive disorder habits, such as tapping on desks, turning doorknobs, and counting. “If someone asked why I was counting the tiles on the floor, I’d just laugh it off and say, ‘Because it’s fun,’ or ‘I just feel like it.’ Then they’d count or tap with me until we would both collapse on the floor with uncontrollable giggles,” she said. “Once people got to know me and my bubbly personality, for the most part they wouldn’t care about my little ticks and taps. My attitude saved me from withdrawing into myself and becoming completely embarrassed and antisocial because of my disorder, and helped people see me for me, and not my weird quirks.” Her outlook sets a good example for anyone who is criticized for being different. If you accept your own idiosyncrasies, others may accept them as well.

A Virginia senior who has been homeschooled and, more recently, attended both private and public schools, has additional advice for peers. “I’ve had to make a new group of friends every year of high school, which sucks, but at the same time, I’ve always had a fresh start. I’ve learned a lot about making friends this way, and the best principles seem to be: listen to other people, be confident, act like you don’t need friends but maybe want them, trust that people will like you, and definitely never think you know everything.”

Stop trying to conform

There is a huge difference between being unhappy with yourself and being unhappy with your social status. I asked a Pennsylvania nonconformist who shuttled between emos and ghettos for advice for students who feel they can’t be themselves in school. She replied, “Continuously pretending to be someone you aren’t may end up turning you into someone you don’t want to be. There is someone out there who will understand you, no matter how far out there you are.”

If you spend your school years repressing your identity, someday you’re going to graduate and realize that you’ve lost yourself only to appease a temporary crowd. Middle school and high school are the most difficult places in which to resist the pressure to conform. People who are able to battle through school without succumbing to fakery are going to be better off when they graduate.

Find an ally

In Solomon Asch’s line-matching conformity experiment, he found that all seven actor-participants had to give the same answer in order to effectively push the student volunteer to conform. Even one dissident was enough to encourage the student to say what he actually saw instead of mimicking the group’s incorrect answer. By extension, Asch’s discovery suggests that if you can develop