The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth - Alexandra Robbins [184]
Pursue nonschool activities
One way to avoid reputational bias is to participate in afterschool activities with students from other schools who don’t already have preconceived notions about you. If you choose an activity you love to do or are fascinated by, you’ll meet people with similar interests. Whether or not you end up with new friends, you can at least develop a skill and gain confidence in your abilities.
Eli called his experience at Spanish camp the best time of his life because he was able to make friends without having to reinvent himself. The knowledge that he could have those relationships, even if only for a short time, sustained him throughout his senior year and gave him hope for a college social life.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
Remove social status from your list of worries
Ultimately, social status does not represent a person’s identity, and high social status can come at a cost. Perceived popular kids might be more likely to drink, engage in risky behavior, and be involved in aggressive incidents. It’s okay to encourage your child to make friends (without pushing), but it can be destructive to put a premium on popularity.
Don’t assume you know what your child wants
Your child is not you. There are many reasons to avoid imposing your social experience on your child, especially when she already might be happy with her social circle. She may want only one or two close friends, and that’s okay.
Whether you were unpopular, hoped to be cool, or were and still are popular, don’t expect the same experience for your child and don’t let your own insecurities influence your child’s social life. Before you react to or make decisions about your child, reflect on whether you are considering your own popularity or image as a factor. If so, rethink your position. Furthermore, your child’s social status does not indicate your parenting abilities. It may be tempting to get caught up in a frenzy of social comparisons among parents, much as children do. Don’t. Your child’s social standing does not reflect your own.
Encourage individuality
When your child comes up with her own way of doing something or expresses a unique perspective or style, convey your admiration. Ask your children for their opinions and encourage them to form their own views, which you can appreciate even if they differ markedly from your own. As psychologist Lawrence Balter has suggested, “It is essential for children to learn that they need not submerge their own identities in order to get along with others. Show them that it is possible to maintain good relations with friends while not necessarily agreeing with all of their thoughts or actions. A child can learn to formulate thoughts and expressions such as, ‘I like your way too, but I think I’m going to do it this way.’ ” Rather than compare your child to others, enjoy him the way he is.
Have faith in your child
If there is anyone in the world whom a child needs to believe in him, it’s a parent. Trust that your child wants the best for himself just as much as you do. It sounds glib to say, “Love your child unconditionally.” That should be a given. But unconditional love also involves being an effective communicator, able to listen to your child and provide guidance without conveying messages that you might love him less for any reason, such as if he isn’t—or doesn’t dress—cool, is overweight, doesn’t play sports, and so on.
Your home should be a safe place where children know they can be themselves without worrying about their image. Don’t badger them about what’s “normal.” Normality has no inherent value. You should be a source of comfort, support, and confidence. Your children should know that you will never be disappointed in them for any reason related to their social standing.
Consider switching schools
If students are tormenting your child, switching schools is a