The Ginger Man - J. P. Donleavy [130]
"Percy, it's a strange house you keep in Tooting Bee and a lovely maid."
"Keep your dirty fingers away from me help. And me bloody cane. Will you look at him with me bloody cane? Keep them. And give me part of the kidney"
"Percy, you're welcome to whatever I possess in this world."
"Don't come the hound and give me the bloody kidney."
Mac with smiles brought forth the rare organ and it was set upon wildly. Dangerfield withdrew from this savagery with a raised eyebrow. Mac handed him the letter over the heads. What's the news? Look at my white cuffs. Look. And this tweed is some tweed. Clocklan said something like eighty-four shillings a yard.
U.S.A.
Dear Hoodlum,
This ship had no ballast and we were tossed like peanuts all the way to Bermuda which for me was curtains. But the ship's crew were damn good skins and gave me enough money to get to New York grimy and broke. Now let me tell you just one thing; if you have ever entertained the idea of coming back here, no matter what your condition there, I have one word of advice. Don't I turned on my accent full blast when I got to Boston but found little encouragement from friends. Another thing. I went out with a Radcliffe girl to see if I could finally carve out a normal sex life. My efforts met with blowing and no throwing which makes me think I need to see the coo coo doctor.
What about you? And that woman who worked in the laundry and the other one, the boarder? And tell me, how do you manage to get so much ass? What's the secret and what am I doing wrong? I'm going mad. As much as blowing is classically significant, I don't find it a substitute for the real thing and to complicate matters, I don't even know what the real thing is. Every day I walk down Brattle Street hoping some old lady will break her leg getting into her car and with my European aplomb I'D rush to her assistance and she'D say, my dear boy, aren't you sweet, won't you come and have tea with me when I get out of the hospital. But no one has so much as even tripped so far. I saw Constance Kelly too. Her face is covered with pimples. I went up to her and turned on my accent and she laughed right in my face. Jesus, I'm homesick for the ould sod. I even broke down and wept in Harvard Square with Constance and do you think she held my hand and stroked my brow? She just turned on her heel and ran.
Do me a favor. See if there are any jobs open for lavatory attendants in London and I'D come back. But in closing I want you to remember this, that this is America and we out-produce, out-sell, out-manufacture, out-fight and out-screw the rest of the world but the latter is elusive.
God bless,
Kenneth O'KEEFE
(Absentee Duke of Serutan)
Easy now, Kenneth. This is the way you do it Just walk up to them and pinch them right in the arse. Ah what tender meat, baby. But if all else fails. Remember, in France they have the guillotine. Cut it off altogether. And Mac, Fm sure, would send you a false one if you ever needed it again. I spot a blonde head over there with gold spangles.
And I hear hymns. Away in a manger. Taxis collecting outside. Follow the leader. Out this hall and through the mouth behind this blonde girl. I can smell her. We're all here together, rabbit stew and dumplings.
On the street, Dangerfield approached by this shining girl.
"Excuse me, you're Mr. Dangerfield, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Mr. MacDoon tells me you're an American. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well I'm an American and I'd like to go in your taxi. I think Americans ought to stick together. What are you doing over here?"
"I'm—"
"That's swell. I came here for Christmas. England's so rustic. And this taxi is quaint. Meet my friend, Osgood."
"How do you do."
"His name's Osgood Swinton Hunderington. Isn't that nice?"
"Excellent"
"Let's all ride together. My name's Dorothy Cabot. I've got a middle name, Spendergold."
"Mine's spice."
"Ha ha. Gee I'm