The Good Book_ A Secular Bible - A. C. Grayling [335]
18. And even then, dispute the ground inch by inch; but then, while you are contending with firmness of mind,
19. Remember to gain your opponent by the gentleness of your manner.
20. If you engage his heart, you have a fair chance of gaining his mind.
21. Tell him, in a frank, gallant manner, that your wrangles do not lessen your personal regard for his merit;
22. But that, on the contrary, his zeal and ability in the service of his cause increase it;
23. And that, of all things, you desire to make a good friend of so good a person.
24. By these means you may, and very often will, be a gainer: you never can be a loser.
25. Some people cannot prevail upon themselves to be easy and civil to those who are either their rivals, competitors or opposers,
26. Though, independently of those accidental circumstances, they would like and esteem them. They betray a shyness and an awkwardness in company with them,
27. And catch at any little thing to expose them; and so, from temporary and only occasional opponents, make them their personal enemies.
28. This is exceedingly weak and detrimental, as indeed is all humour in business;
29. Which can only be carried on successfully by unadulterated good policy and right reasoning.
30. In such situations I would be more particularly civil, easy and frank with the man whose designs I traversed:
31. This is generosity and magnanimity, but is also, in truth, good sense and policy.
32. The manner is often as important as the matter, sometimes more so;
33. A favour may make an enemy, and an injury may make a friend, according to the different manner in which they are severally done.
34. The countenance, the address, the words, the enunciation, the graces,
35. All add great efficacy to the gentle manner and great dignity to the firm mind,
36. And consequently they deserve the utmost attention.
37. From what has been said, I conclude with this observation,
38. That gentleness of manners, with firmness of mind, is a short, but full description of human perfection.
Epistle 21
1. My dear son, what a happy period of your life is this!
2. Pleasure is now, and ought to be, your business when you are between school and life.
3. While you were younger, dry rules, facts and examinations were the objects of your labours.
4. When you grow older, the anxiety, vexations and disappointments inseparable from public business will require the greatest share of your time and attention;
5. Your pleasures may, indeed, conduce to your business, and your business will quicken your pleasures; but still your time must, at least, be divided:
6. Whereas now it is wholly your own, and cannot be so well employed as in the pleasures of a gentleman.
7. The world is now your book, a necessary book that can only be read in company, in public places, at dinner, the theatre, at play.
8. You must join in the pleasures of good company, in order to learn the manners of good company.
9. In premeditated or formal business, people conceal, or at least endeavour to conceal, their characters:
10. Whereas pleasures uncover their characters, and the heart breaks out through the guard of the understanding.
11. Those are often propitious moments for forming friendships and connections;
12. And the knowledge of character thus acquired is useful in the windings and labyrinths of the world.
13. Discernment of character, a suppleness, versatility and firmness of mind, with gentleness of manners, are to the mind what neat dress is to the body.
14. Mere plain truth, sense and knowledge are great goods, but in the world of affairs are not yet enough;
15. Art and ornament must come to their assistance, to gain and engage the heart.
16. Mankind, as I have often told you, is more governed by appearances than by realities;
17. And with regard to opinion, people think they had better be really hard, with the appearance of softness, than the reverse.
18. They know that few have penetration enough to discover,