The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [14]
Clearly, the FSM is behind it. Who else could influence such a uniformly religious group of people to subscribe to the non-Christian, nonreligious theory of ID? The FSM is notorious for just this type of mischievous intervention, and thus it can only be concluded that the FSM is behind the ID movement, which makes sense when you think about it.
Irrefutable Proof
Some of the greatest thinkers of all time have dedicated their lives to proving the existence of God. Thomas Aquinas gave it his best shot, and his writings have been confusing college freshmen ever since. Kurt Gödel used a proof that appears to have employed hieroglyphics; unfortunately, no one can read hieroglyphics anymore, so we don’t know if he was successful. Suffice it to say, no one has managed to prove the existence of God, and as a result, ID doesn’t seem to be provable either.
And that’s what we find in the record. Since ID offers no hypotheses of its own, which is a requirement of science, it cannot be considered a scientific theory unless we can prove the existence of God.5 So it turns out that the scientific community has good reason to be skeptical of the theory of Intelligent Design. But ID proponents rightfully claim error or conspiracy on the part of scientists. And here’s the hitch: There is no conspiracy … but there is a conspiracy.
Gödel’s proof of God: completely unreadable.
The truth is that the FSM is hidden all around us. And He’s left clues like Italian-style bread crumbs to show us the path to His Eternal Noodliness. He’s in our language—every time someone tells you to use your “noodle” they’re unknowingly directing you to turn to Him for guidance. And whenever someone talks about a “consPiracy,” they’re just invoking the mischievous nature of Him and His Chosen People, the Pirates.
But language alone isn’t undeniable proof for those skeptical scientists.6 We need cold, hard facts. To begin, we will look at how the Evolutionary scientists try to pick apart the work of ID scientists, men like Michael J. Behe, who argues in his seminal and frequently incoherent tome, Darwin’s Black Box: The Biochemical Challenge to Evolution, the concept of irreducible complexity. Somewhere toward the beginning, Behe makes the following damning statement: “By irreducibly complex I mean a single system composed of several well-matched, interacting parts that contribute to the basic function, wherein the removal of any one of the parts causes the system to effectively cease functioning.”7 He then goes on to talk about “Evolutionary mechanisms” and “the emergence of some complex biochemical cellular systems” and other things that, let’s face it, sound like mumbo jumbo to laymen and high school biology students.8 But the point is that this is well-thought-out science, nearly irrefutable proof that Behe can talk like a scientist. While the Evolutionists respond with computer simulations demonstrating that it is possible for irreducible complexity to evolve naturally, I would note that it is also possible for me to use my computer to lead an entire army of samurai warriors against the greatest generals of their day. Call it a wash.
Both sides have their points to make, but the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster proposes a simple answer that is more likely, and immensely more plausible, which is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is altering our scientific data in an effort to mislead us. It’s not the scientists’ fault, for how could they know? The FSM is invisible and passes through normal matter with ease.
While our theory may sound a lot like Intelligent Design, there are important differences between ID and FSMism, the most important being that they are wrong and we are right. But we do have some things in common, and I think it’s important that these are addressed.
Like ID, we use a slightly nonconventional scientific method, whereby we first define our conclusion and then gather evidence to support it. Not only does