The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [15]
Perhaps one day soon the ID community, too, will be touched by His Noodly Appendage and join forces with the Pastafarians. The time has never been better. Indeed, we live in exciting times, when our nonconventional supernatural theories are finally being given equal credence as the natural, or “unbiased, evidence-supported” theories. We should all feel fortunate to be living in such open-minded times.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have some proving to do!
1. See chart below.
2. The lone.01 percent of yeses coming from either idiots, assholes, or male high school students who may or may not be using the colloquialism “phat.”
3. The belief that scientists don’t have any friends is a misapprehension. They like to hang out with other scientists, and sometimes computer programmers, and talk about themselves.
4. See The Crucible (20th-Century Fox, 1996), in which Winona Ryder accuses several girls of “practicin’ Satan’s magic in Ye Olde Shop” in an effort to mask her own shoplifting.
5. Just saying that a creator made the world, when you haven’t proven that there is a creator, doesn’t count.
6. Arguments based on language are useless against scientists, since none of them have read a real book in years.
7. Whew! Talk about complexity (Darwin’s Black Box: The Biochemical Challenge to Evolution by Michael J. Behe, Free Press, 1996, p. 39).
8. Same thing.
Communion Test
Abstract
WHILE SUPERNATURAL EXPLANATIONS provide surprisingly irrefutable evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is (1) present in the universe, and (2) actively using His Noodly Appendage to spread goodness and affordable nutrition to the true believers, it is important to provide quantifiable evidence in support of our claims. As such, we have devised a scientific test as proof of His existence. This test is both repeatable and easily verifiable by a third party, and the Church of the FSM encourages all doubters to use the following experimental evidence to prove to themselves what we already know to be true.
Background
It has been suggested that the communion served by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will lead to better and more long-lasting nutritional benefits than, say, the Christian communion. Through deductive reasoning, this can be taken to provide evidence of His Noodliness.
Method
As support for this thesis, we selected two subjects1 of average height, weight, and intelligence. We then placed them on a seventy-two-hour fast in order to reduce outside factors. After seventy-two hours, one subject was given the Christian communion, consisting of a paper-thin wafer. The other subject was given the FSM communion, consisting of a large portion of spaghetti and meatballs.
Results
Both subjects had their vitals recorded before and after communion. Upon completion of the test, the Christian was found to be listless, with decreased heart rate, body temperature, and brain function. The Pastafarian recorded increased heart rate, body temperature, and brain function, commenting that he felt “full,” which we interpreted to mean whole.2
Addendum
Some may say that 1,200 calories of spaghetti versus 2 calories of wafer do not make a fair and valid experiment, and they may have a point.3 We have sought to keep the experiment as close to a realistic communion setting as possible, but in the interest of science, we’ve devised an additional experiment, whereby each subject receives the same total number of calories. Our findings were that the Christian became violently