The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [16]
Sacrilicious
1. People.
2. That is, the FSM test subject was showing signs of His presence.
3. Although this is a super-naturally based study, it is important to highlight that nosy scientists want to see proof that their “peers” will support. Therefore, we agree to jump through a couple of hoops, if that’s what it’s going to take to make them see His Noodliness.
4. Probably due to the fact that communion wafers are basically made out of cardboard.
Unified Spaghetti Theory
The more we learn about the world around us, the more we see that life and the universe were created in His image. From interconnected forces on the grandest of scales, down to matter’s tiniest bits, we see His Noodliness in everything To illustrate this, we have devised the following simple recipe.
Life
INGREDIENTS
Boiling water
Elementary particles made from “string”
Salt
Life evolved from hot, boiling springs.
Before the Flying Spaghetti Monster made life, He had to first make the elementary particles that would eventually compose all matter as we know it. This was a very complicated process, but we have developed a much simpler method, one that you can try at home. First, take a piece of subatomic “string,” which naturally is just an incredibly small strand of wet spaghetti, so tiny that it cannot be seen by even the most powerful of microscopes. Next, give the string a unique vibration. Now repeat, giving each new string a different vibration so as to create more unique particles. Congratulations! You have created particles of matter. Be sure to collect the particles into a secure vessel for later use.
Now we are ready to make life. In order to re-create the steaming “primordial broth” that originally spawned life, you must first bring your water to a heavy boil. Salt liberally. Now add your elementary particles and wait about an hour.1 When you begin to see small spiral components forming—they will resemble fusilli when they’re ready—that means you’re almost there. Remember not to drain the water! Now apply intense overhead heat for about an hour.2
Continue boiling and applying intense overhead heat. Eventually, you will begin to see small “organisms” appearing in your broth. Give yourself a pat on the back: You’ve created life!
Artist rendition of what a very small piece of spaghetti might look like.
A careful review of the evidence shows clearly that life was generated from the simplest piece of pasta,3 and that all life has since radiated to more or less resemble His image. But the Spaghedeity didn’t stop there. In fact, science tells us that the universe itself is composed of nothing more than an enormous matrix of strings, vibrating to their own Noodly music, forming a single, unified, coherent framework of invisible spaghetti. In short, it’s all one eternal bowl of pasta.
DNA, which is the building block of life, bears a striking resemblance to fusilli pasta.
More attentive readers will note that we’ve failed to address the image of man. While other religions make the claim that humans were created in God’s image—and they are nearly correct in this assumption—they are guilty of using reverse logic to reach this conclusion. What they don’t discern is that we were created in His ideal image: that of the Pirate. Since then we’ve only come to resemble other people’s gods.
It is important that we return to the ways of the Pirate before it’s too late. In fact, recent science suggests that our departure from the Pirate’s way has led us toward a previously unforeseen end. As our brains and bodies grow in size, and as machines4 replace the need for physical strength and agility, we may find ourselves the victims of an ironic twist of Creation. If current trends persist, the day may come when people of the future actually do resemble His image. This illustration, which was created by a scientist, may help.
Convert or die!
With this evidence