The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [17]
The future of mankind?
Early Life: In His Image
Spirogyra.
Proteus flagella.
Primitive life resembles His Noodliness.
1. Cooking time may vary.
2. Or possibly several million years.
3. Pagan scientists have misidentified it as “strings.”
4. For example, motorized wheelchairs.
More Evidence
THE MAJORITY OF PROOFS of His existence appear to come from scientists, and scientists appear, in large part, to come from colleges and universities. Therefore, we thought it would prove enlightening to look more closely at these institutes of higher learning and try to find some evidence of His Noodly Appendage at work.
We came up with some interesting results.
Life on Campus
It is well known that college students are our best hope for the future.1 These intrepid individuals are willing to pay thousands of dollars of their parents’ money just to read books, so it goes without saying that learning is very important to them. But what exactly are they learning?
If you examine the research on this subject you will see that, while many students do in fact spend time reading books of knowledge, they also spend equal or greater amounts of time drinking beer. You may ask what beer has to do with learning, and many doubters will argue that there’s no link whatsoever, but we have uncovered some surprising evidence for the benefits of beer consumption. Beer acts as an important nutritional supplement to the college student, but that’s not really important. Beer2 is also the official beverage of Pirates, who are His Chosen People. With that in mind, we ask you: Could the Flying Spaghetti Monster be behind this? Is he trying to turn college students back into Pirates?
Furthermore, it’s an accepted fact that there are an uncanny amount of Ramen noodles and dried pastas on college campuses, which provide cheap nutrition for students, thus allowing them to afford more beer. This points yet another finger at the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s influence. Clearly, He is at work in our institutions of higher learning, and this can only bode well for the country’s future.
Money
College costs money—a lot. Yet education in itself is not of much value. For example, we can look to the general public’s almost complete disregard for anything that educated people have to say about global warming, shrinking oil reserves, pollution, or the threat of nuclear annihilation. But if this is true, why does something as worthless as a college diploma cost so much money? To understand this question, we examined the unique and often bizarre relationship between college and money, and our research led us to an interesting finding.
It appears that a college education has been given an artificially high price tag in order to leave students with little money left over for the basic requirements of living. Burdened by poverty, students are induced to drink cheap beer and eat pasta—in short, they are forced to act like Pirates and Pastafarians—and we can only conclude that this is some part of His greater plan to spread FSMism. If the students truly are our future, so, it would appear, is Pastafarianism.
Dollar bills, y’all.
Food for the soul.
Poorly evolved? … Or just lazy?
1. See every college graduation speech through time.
2. Also known as “grog.”
Kiwi Birds: Flightless?
EVOLUTIONISTS CONTEND that flightless birds—for example, the kiwi bird of New Zealand—never developed the ability to fly. The old argument goes that, having no natural predators in their area, there was never a reason to evolve the ability.
While I’ll agree that I’ve never seen a kiwi bird fly, I disagree with the statement that they can’t fly. How do we know? Couldn’t it just be that they choose not to? You’ll never see me running, but there’s a good chance I could.
Kiwi birds, besides being completely spherical, are well known to be one of nature’s laziest animals. Consider the speed with which they are going extinct—it is almost