The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [18]
Dump Truck Over Cliff
You will need as large a sample size as possible for this experiment, as some kiwis are bound to be lazier than others. Twenty to thirty is probably sufficient, but it’s better to err on the side of too many if you have a sufficient supply. Load the birds into the back of a truck and proceed to the highest cliff available—we want to give them as much motivation to fly as possible. After backing the truck to the edge of the cliff, incline the bed and dump the birds over the edge.
I suspect that the birds, seeing their fate rushing toward them at terminal velocity,1 will flap their “useless” wings and fly to safety.
Until such time as this experiment is carried out—or one similar to it—I will consider my hypothesis to be correct.
1. Throwing them out of an airplane might work better. In addition, perhaps a kiwi bird sitting in a blender would be motivated to fly out before the switch is thrown.
EXPLAINING PASTAFARIANISM
Man cannot live by bread alone.
—MOSES, DEUTERONOMY 13:7
A Condensed History of the World
Five Thousand Years Ago: The Beginning
THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER created the universe and a bunch of planets, including Earth. No one except Himself was around to see it, but we suspect it was rather dull. The initial creation, obviously, must have been spectacular, but He then spent the next ten to one hundred years painstakingly preparing the universe to appear older than it actually is. Photons were placed individually, en route to earth, ostensibly emitted millions of years ago from stars across the galaxy. In reality, we know that each photon was divinely placed and red-shifted1 appropriately to make the universe appear to be billions of years old. We are still finding His camouflage methods at work today; each time scientists discover apparent evidence of a billions-of-years-old universe, we can be assured that this is just more elaborate preparation He put in place.
Earth was created in approximately 0.062831853 seconds and was similarly disguised to appear much older. We can be certain that the FSM spent even more time preparing the earth, because, being all-knowing, He was well aware that soon enough there would be nosy people poking around everywhere. Known as “scientists,” these nosy people have a sick need—probably sexually motivated2 —to figure out how things work, and so it was even more important that our apparent reality be well designed to hide the truth.
Our Noodly Creator then placed fossils, hidden under the earth’s surface, knowing that they would later be found—thus, seemingly proving that these creatures existed some time ago. Dinosaur bones, for example, were placed so well and in such numbers that it’s widely believed dinosaurs roamed the earth millions of years ago. Interestingly, dinosaurs did exist, but not millions of years ago, because, of course, how could they have existed before the earth was even here? In reality they lived with us, alongside—and occasionally on top of—humans around three thousand years ago.
You may wonder why we find no bones from dinosaurs from this era, and rightly so. But keep in mind that dinosaurs don’t actually have bones—the whole dinosaurs had bones thing is all an elaborate hoax planned for His own divine amusement. Real dinosaurs, as any enlightened paleontologist—or bone doctor, as they prefer to be called—will tell you, were able to stand erect by engorging selected muscles with blood, making the once flaccid limb rigid. By alternating which muscles were engorged in the correct sequence, a very effective locomotion and rudimentary skeletal structure was achieved. Perverted readers may recognize that this mechanism is similar to what happens in the male penis. Dinosaurs were, in essence, not much more than a massive collection of penises (penii) under a thick