The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [33]
After the trial, Scopes attended the University of Chicago, where he earned a master’s in geology. He then went on to work for the oil industry, where in 1932 he met a young oil executive named Dick Cheney, who disclosed to Scopes that he would “one day take over the world.”
Dolly the Sheep: “She Was a Whore”
Code-named “6LL3,” this ewe was the first mammal ever to have been successfully cloned from an adult cell. Produced at the Roslin Institute in Scotland, “6LL3,” or “Dolly,”20 as she was named by the stockmen who helped with her birth, was cloned by the technique of somatic cell nuclear transfer. Using a cell from an adult sheep’s mammary,21 scientists placed a cell in a denucleated ovum, and waited for the two cells to fuse. Eventually, the fused cells developed into an embryo, and on July 5, 1996, “Dolly” was born.
“That sheep absolutely loved to fuck,” said Seamus McKracken, a top researcher. “Other sheep. Stockmen. Even the sheep dog. She was insatiable.” Scientists suspect that Dolly’s libido was a result of her sense that she only had so much time on this earth. And indeed, she did suffer from shortened telomeres in her cells, which may have been passed on by her “parents.” Since Dolly’s mother was six years old when the genetic material was taken from her, scientists speculate that in genetic terms Dolly was six years old when she was born. She had arthritis by the age of five, lung disease by the age of six, and a bad case of gonorrhea pretty much throughout. Hard facts for Dolly.
1. Today Plato is nearly forgotten. His beliefs include the notion that people who govern should be intelligent, rational, self-controlled, and in love with wisdom, an idea that has long been discredited.
2. Loose translation from the original Greek.
3. Da Vinci invented the closet.
4. This was a real group; we are not shitting you.
5. Essentially a hard-core vegetarian, who doesn’t even eat milk or eggs, and can’t stop talking about it.
6. By contrast, today’s scientists are only interested in science, Star Wars, and video games.
7. By Dan Brown (Double-day, 2003).
8. By this point, Siberia was the only place that hadn’t heard of him.
9. Though probably fortunate for everyone else.
10. As quoted in Phineas P. Cornflower’s autobiography Aye, I Knew Darwin’s Sauces.
11. In this case, oysters served as “babysitters” for skate leech eggs so that adult skate leeches would be free to pursue their insatiable urge to drain the lifeblood from skates.
12. The Da Vinci Code, Doubleday Books, 2003
13. Sadly, many of them were fossilized.
14. Having a similar structure and tone as The Voyage of the Meatball.
15. Darwin loved worms-describing them on several occasions as “noodly” and “so without appendages as to be appendages themselves.”
16. “His” refers to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, of course.
17. Guinness Book of World Records.
18. See Stanley Kramer’s stunning five-part documentary Inherit the Wind.
19. Who was still trying to make up for his embarrassing “Cross of Gold” speech, in which he argued that Pirates had used their treasure to forge the first Christian cross.
20. Named for Dolly Parton. Seriously.
21. Tit.
PROPAGANDA
I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.
Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
—MOHANDAS GANDHI
The Pastafarian Guide to Propaganda
Spreading His Word
NOW THAT YOU KNOW some of the science and history behind Pastafarianism, you may feel that you’re ready to go out and spread His Word. With this in mind, it is important to remember that one of the central ideas of FSMism is the idea of inclusion. Anyone can be a member, no matter their age, race, background, or even their religious affiliation. As we’ve stated earlier, we do not base our beliefs on dogma—if we did, we’d have to think that we’re absolutely right about everything. Only assholes think that way. And Pastafarians are not assholes.
So remember,