The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [42]
Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full Pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking number of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of Pirates versus the average global temperature over the last two hundred years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between Pirates and global temperature.
I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; one-third time for Intelligent Design, one-third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one-third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
Smart People Who Agree with Us
“One of the most exciting developments in physics recently is so-called string theory, in which all subatomic particles are described as microscopic vibrating strings. Obviously this is correct, though misnamed. As Noodle Theory reveals, He has created the matter in the universe in His own quivering image! You, me, the earth, the stars … are all built of trillions of tiny jiggling noodles, microscopic copies of our diving saucy maker. Boy-oh-Boyardi and Ramen!”
—Steve Lawrence, Ph.D.
“Having now perused the many facets of Pastafarianism, I believe there is great scope for women in this religion. Clearly the FSM has aspects of both male and female, with both ‘Noodly Appendages’ and two round meatballs, which clearly represent the breasts of the Great Mother Goddess.”
—Susan Johnston, Ph.D.
“As a neuroscientist and clinical psychologist, I have often been struck by how the brain resembles pasta. Clearly, the FSM theory is worthy of deep thought. Or at least a side order of garlic toast. Which is more than I can say about ID, which, as St. Sigmund taught, should be subservient to EGO (equally goofy observations).”
—James Blackburn, Ph.D.
“Pastafarianism does not constitute a scientific theory, despite its apparent adherence to Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle regarding the interactions of observer and observed. It should not be taught as science … unless, of course, ID creationism is also taught as science, in which case all bets are off. Best of luck, I’m off to the Old Spaghetti Factory for worship.”
—E. Scott
The Ontological Argument for FMS
P1. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a being that has every perfection.
P2. Existence is a perfection.
C. Therefore, the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists.
FOR MORE INFORMATION AND TO LEARN HOW
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SWAG
Cut out the template at the back of this book.
How to Make Your Own Pirate-Fish Stencil
SUPPLIES
Razor blade or X-Acto knife
Thin cardboard
Tape
Spray paint
Tape the template to a piece of thin cardboard.
Cut out the Pirate Fish. Don’t forget a small line for the nostrils!
Completed stencil.
Hold the stencil firmly against the surface you want to tag and spray paint.
Spread the word in interesting places.
How to Make Your Very Own Flying Spaghetti Monster Simulacrum
SUPPLIES
Two googly eyes
One bag of rubber bands (about 50)
One pipe cleaner
Two brown fluff balls
Glue
Scissors
The FSM simulacrum consists of one noodly loop, two noodly strands and two eye-stalks. It is best first to glue the googly eyes to the pipe cleaner, then the glue can dry while you make the Noodly Appendages.
To begin the creation, you must first make a noodly loop by