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By Root 629 0

guide them. This gambit was doomed to fail, and the arrival of Cortez hastened this failure. Some scholars claimed it was smallpox that wiped out Montezuma’s armies, but that was not the case. Cortez brought not smallpox, but a small tin of SpaghettiOs. Montezuma, realizing his own lack of SpaghettiOs, ordered his troops to fall upon their swords in shame. Ninety-seven percent of the population committed suicide, for their inability to attain enlightenment and noodles caused them desperation and abject shame. The other 3 percent were shameless cowards. Cortez, never one to shy away from credit, be it earned or not, claimed to have conquered the nation for Spain and gathered up the gold and sailed back. But it was a tin of SpaghettiOs that conquered the great Aztec empire.

Moving north to North America we see the Native American civilizations that had been touched by Him. The most glaring evidence of His influence is the aspen tree. This tree’s name was derived from the Ojibwa (aka Chippewa) term Aspe meaning “tree of gods that gives noodles, grows straight and tall, and rustles in the wind like the Noodly Appendages of the Great Flying One” (a minor side note; The Ojibwa were very good at shortening phrases into simple words). The truth provided by this tree of gods is self-evident in that the aspen has an inner bark that can be removed, cut into strips, and boiled into an edible noodly dish. This was very good when served with pemmican balls made of venison. This is very close to spaghetti and meatballs. While some scholars claim it was convergent Evolution, we know it was designed by the FSM. The early colonial culture was inspired by the gifts the FSM gave, including the gift of pasta. This is clearly expressed in the children’s song lyric of “Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni.” “Macaroni” … a simple coincidental rhyming word? I think not! It is historical fact. The revolutionary Charles Kraft started supplying the colonists with boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese to spite the English, who were insisting everyone eat biscuits and jam. The use of macaroni was a way for early colonists to thumb their noses at King George through their dinner plates. The Flying Spaghetti Monster left his mark on Native American culture and helped the American Revolution strike a blow for democracy against tyranny. We now can move to another English colony, Australia.

Australia is a relatively newly discovered continent. It was left untouched by Europeans until very recently in human history. The clearest example of the guiding Noodly Appendage of the FSM is the kangaroo. These spry marsupials have witnessed the Great One and are working their way toward enlightenment. The little joeys realize that to fly like the FSM is the first step to godliness. So the joeys jump, trying to remain airborne for as long as possible in an attempt at flying. They spend their days meditatively trying to jump high enough to become airborne and fly like the great one. A group of older transcendental kangaroos (and one tigger, a catlike creature with tops made of rubber and bottoms of springs) have accomplished this and meditatively levitated through the air like the FSM. This meditative spell was promptly broken by the arrival of Japanese tourists snapping pictures of flying kangaroos led by a tigger. To reward the kangaroos for their faith the FSM arranged for the tourists to be eaten by Godzilla upon returning to Japan. The unintended consequence was that it also ruined their film, so the photo evidence of flying kangaroos being led by a tigger is lost to humanity. Otherwise there is only minor circumstantial evidence of His work in Australia. Most notable among this evidence is that the trees in the fairly lifeless outback are often referred to singularly as a “stringy bark,” implying they pop up like the FSM flying upside down, which incidentally is why Australia is called “down under.” While Australia is replete with circumstantial evidence of the FSM, you need only travel to the north to discover evidence of a more concrete