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By Root 656 0

nature. China has the oldest fossilized noodles in the world. The archaeological community discovered an upturned bowl of noodles that had been fossilized over the last four thousand years, making them the oldest noodles in the world. There were reports of seven bowls of fossilized noodles dating back to 8000 B.C.E. discovered in the southern Yangtze Province, but those were looted and served as “extra crunchy fried noodles” to the lunch crowd at City Wok in South Park, Colorado, for $3.95 plus tax. Any noodles left over were devoured by a corpulent nine-year-old boy of foul demeanor and temperament. Thus, the validity of this finding cannot be verified. This is just another case of how looting of antiquities causes their loss to the scientific community as a whole. Other evidence in Asia is the variations of noodles available. One can find short crisp noodles served as chow mein noodles in China, pad thai noodles in Thailand, and Ramen noodles in Japan, just to name a few. So noodles are an important part of the diet of Asia. In contrast, we will proceed to the last continent, Antarctica.

Antarctica, the cursed, is the continent that is the Pastafarian equivalent to Christianity’s Hell. The Beer Volcano froze over millennia ago, the strippers wear big bulky parkas and snow pants, and the place is covered in ice and snow. The only native inhabitants are the ones cursed by Him. He has cast out those who have forsaken Him, the penguins. The short stout penguins are the direct descendants of the original midget. The midget got mad at the FSM for making him short and out of anger cursed the Great One loudly and profanely. In retaliation, the vengeful FSM cast the reject to the coldest part of the world, and morphed the degenerate into a penguin. The penguin is the opposite of all that is godly. It has wings, but cannot fly. It has flippers instead of hands, so is unable to pick up noodles. It eats naught but fish, which makes nasty fishy meatballs. He created a land that is incapable of growing anything worthy of pasta creation; krill, the only thing the penguins have to make noodles from, tastes disgusting. Thus Antarctica is the land of rejected creations. Learning from this mistake, the next thing He made after the midget was a dwarf, which turned out pretty hilarious when it got drunk from the volcano and started simultaneously swearing at and hitting on the strippers. So the FSM kept dwarfs as an amusing distraction. He was so distracted he forgot the next thing on His to-do list, “make penguin-eating sharks.” So we can see by the preponderance of evidence that it is beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster created everything in the world and has influenced Evolution throughout all of history. It has been shown that His Noodly Appendage has touched every continent and every civilization around the globe. This evidence has been carefully cataloged by the scribes assigned to the great Pirate sailing vessels as they journey around the world gathering archaeological evidence of the Great One. The only continent they avoid is Antarctica, and that is because they know not to go there; Shackleton brought back records of what the ungrateful penguins tried to do to him and his crew when they were stranded there. This evidence spans the globe, made manifest in the chow mein noodles of China, the aspen noodles of Nebraska, the flying kangaroos of Australia, and the great megaghetti boats of the ancient Phoenicians. This should settle all debates over the influence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

FSM Theologebro

CHURCH OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER: ALGEBRA

Alexander Gross

Profound science uses mathematics to prove theories. This paper introduces fundamental algebra and Boolean logic into theology to prove that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the one and only god. The perspective shown here makes any other philosophy senseless and undesirable. Actually, it has the potential to negate even itself—dear God, what have I done? Before starting to prove god, it is necessary to extend Boolean logic with