The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [52]
The truth, we Pastafarians know, is that this first myth of a giant squid was the Flying Spaghetti Monster revealing Himself unto His Chosen People. They were true believers in the power He held and of His Noodly Might, and so He granted them the rare and awesome opportunity of an audience. It has been speculated by many FSMist scholars that the first mention of an angry squid attacking a ship was in fact the Flying Spaghetti Monster hugging the ship for its faithfulness, and a nearby naval vessel, which had been hoping to arrest these pious souls, mistook our Noodly Lord’s loving embrace for a cruel sea monster rather than the good and gracious Flying Spaghetti Monster that He is.
As for this evidence allegedly found by scientists, we are of the belief that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the one living example of a giant squid as a test to see who was a true believer. For those without faith, or whose faith was weak, the squid confirmed these myths. For those of us who wholeheartedly believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we knew that this was merely a false messiah with nothing but hollow promises and an unusual smell. It is this latter group who shall be truly rewarded for understanding that the Noodly Lord can create weird creatures like giant squids just as easily as He can plant “evidence” of a fossil record dating back what appears to be several thousand years, as well as make them seemingly link together in a systematic Evolutionary process. All dead specimens and infant specimens found of the giant squid are indeed bits of His Noodly Appendage that He has doffed, and by the miracle of Him they formed a creature similar to His shape, though nowhere near His perfection and beauty.
Now that we understand the importance of Pirates, we must turn to the dilemma of the decreased number of them in this world. True, there are many Internet Pirates bootlegging music and movies, but the overwhelming majority of them do not garb themselves in the regalia mandated by such a noble title. While we FSMists cannot condone any illegality on the behalf of these individuals, we would like to take this opportunity to encourage any who partake in these activities to find appropriate attire suitable for their profession.
In conclusion, Pirates are an essential part not only of our own faith, but of the welfare of our entire planet. Any devout Pastafarian ought to don piratical regalia on all religious holidays, as well as when preaching the Good Word to those who have not yet discovered the saving grace of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. After looking at this overwhelming evidence and being touched by His Noodly Appendage, I can’t imagine who wouldn’t say “a Pirate’s life for me.”
Evidence of the Baker
J. R. Blackwell
If we were to walk along the beach together, holding hands, and were to find at our feet a German chocolate cake, we would undoubtedly be surprised. Our shock at finding this seductive pastry results from the inborn knowledge that cake does not rise from the sands unbidden. A cake must have a baker. We understand that cakes do not simply appear randomly out of the void because of their form and complexity; if the frosting were removed, or the butter replaced with tuna salad, what we would have before us would not be the delicious concoction that we call cake. It would be burned, unfrosted tuna, and that would be disappointing. There had to be a Baker for our cake, and further, since it is a glistening, moist German chocolate cake, there must also be Germans.
For we all also know that, like cake, chocolate is not naturally occurring. Chocolate must be created by Germans, people who have alchemic