The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [58]
Some will argue that because rice is a staple diet of so many people in the world, it must be the more perfect food. On the contrary, we argue that rice is a profoundly evil form of sustenance. The corrupting nature of rice should be evident to anyone who has taken seriously the twentieth-century battles against the evils of communism. This small, deceptive grain has provided the fuel for millions of communist soldiers, communist spies, and communist infiltrators. What countries remain communist in the twenty-first century? China, Vietnam, and Korea come to mind immediately. Now, what food is most commonly associated with these nations? Certainly not spaghetti! The case against rice should be immediately clear. (As a side note, this result should be of more than casual philosophical interest. A central part of modern struggles against tyranny should involve changing the eating habits of those living under oppressive regimes.)
Now, why must a perfect being be composed of the perfect food? The argument is surprisingly straightforward. Since food is necessary for life, and life is more perfect than nonlife, food is the fundamental substance, or substratum, of all living things. All living things are made of food. The perfect being exists, and because it is a being (rather than a nonbeing, such as a very small rock), it is necessarily alive. But of what shall our most perfect being be made? The most perfect food. Hence, the perfect being is made of some kind of pasta.
Another perfection is gravity resistance. Modern science holds that gravity is a “weak” force. However, this is in clear contradiction to the evidence. Anyone who has ever climbed a flight of stairs, fallen from a great height, or hiked up a mountain can attest that gravity is a strong force indeed. The scientific elites tell us otherwise, but the contradictions in modern physics are evident to even the most casual observer. If gravity were a weak force, then surely the rotation of the earth would cast us all into space. Does electromagnetism keep Mount Everest in its place? Even a child can see the contradictions here. Only someone with an overabundance of education could deny the evidence of their senses in such an absurd way. Contrary to modern physics (which is corrupted by naturalism, Evolutionism, and antipastaism), gravity is the strongest force in the universe. Surely, then, a perfect being is capable of resisting the greatest force in His creation. Hence, our perfect being is capable of gravity resistance (that is, flight).
We hope this essay enables the reader to see the rational necessity of belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The truths of this world are not difficult to find, and much effort (and money!) could be saved if we were willing to accept the futility and error of so-called “scientific” reasoning and spend our time in careful contemplation of His Noodly Greatness.
Arghh.
Note: The arguments, which demonstrate that a perfect being would require mortals to dress as Pirates, are too obvious to merit inclusion in this essay. This derivation is left for the reader.
On the matter of spheres of meaty substance in the pasta matrix, we remain agnostic. One must not extend one’s reasoning beyond what is available in terms of first principles and evidence. Some room must be left for faith.
Mathematical Proof of the FSM
James Hofer
Proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s existence:
Given:
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is frequently represented as FSM.
Existence is the opposite of nonexistence, or therefore not Null.
Null is frequently represented as 0.
We will use to show nonequivalence.
Therefore to prove that the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists, we must prove that:
In physics, force is equal to mass time acceleration, or F = MA. Bobby Henderson is a physics graduate, so we can substitute this into the above equation, giving us:
MASM is the microsoft assembler, which most definitely exists, therefore MASM 0. Microsoft is one of the most successful businesses in history, undoubtedly as a result of their secret ties