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who disagree with your right to miss school or work every Friday, to wear an eye patch in public, to talk like a pirate, etc. Your first step should always be to tell these sceptics a little about our beliefs. They may simply convert to FSMism, in which case your problem is solved. But sometimes it’s not that easy. If, after learning about our religion, people still refuse to allow you to express your constitutionally protected right of freedom of religion, then you should write a letter. If you’re in school, write a letter to the principal, copying the superintendent of the school district, as well as your local chapter of the ACLU. If you’re at work, write to your supervisor, copying the company’s director of human resources—and, again, forward a copy to the ACLU. The important thing is not to sit back and let your rights be trampled on.

To those hardened Evolutionists, we would remind you that we’re not saying Evolution couldn’t have happened—only that it is most likely a process guided by His Noodly Appendage. We know that the FSM may be working behind the scenes to make Evolution look plausible. We also know that He might not be doing so. The Flying Spaghetti Monster works in mysterious ways, and He definitely messes with stuff all the time, though we know not why.

To the proponents of Intelligent Design, we offer you this olive branch: Pastafarians support your argument that only teaching Evolution in schools unfairly discriminates against those with creation beliefs. We know about your efforts to develop a wedge strategy, whereby you seek to keep the Bible out of the discussion for now, instead concentrating on establishing “scientific” evidence of a creator. Pastafarians see the wisdom of this approach, and we offer our own fork strategy, in which we argue for the inclusion of supernatural explanations in science—thus opening the door for FSMism to be taught one day. Quite simply, we are brothers in this effort.

Everyone knows that theories aren’t the same as facts, and there is little doubt that alternative theories must be taught alongside more established ones. We’ve pointed to much evidence supporting His existence, certainly enough to get Pastafarianism included in the curriculum alongside Evolution and Intelligent Design. And when we turn our minds toward the world’s great religions, we can admit that the other ones are pretty good, but ours is still the Best. Religion. Ever. Why not teach all the theories and let the kids decide?

We hope you’ve enjoyed our book. If not, we hope that you’ve at least learned something. If you didn’t learn anything, it is our sincere wish that The Gospel of the FSM made you think. If you didn’t even have a thought, then there’s no doubt you’re a Born-Again Christian, in which case we hope that you’re able to keep off the crack long enough to get a vasectomy or have your tubes tied.

Okay, that last sentence was mean and I apologize. Pastafarians are a community of peaceful and open-minded worshippers, which means that anything we’ve said or done to offend people1 was meant only in the spirit of promoting greater understanding and awareness. It has been said that the best sauce requires an occasional stir or two—wiser words have seldom been spoken—and so we have done our best to stir the waters of belief in the hopes of converting just a few more Pirates to His Noodly Goodness.

RAmen.

BOBBY HENDERSON

Prophet

1. Including midgets, of course.

Illustration Credits

FSM effect on height (c) Tim Mak

Cave, Axial gallery, Lascaux (Montignac, Dordogne), France

Ferris P. Longshanks (c) Steve Luker/Dreamstime.com

Charles Darwin, by Julia Margaret Cameron/The Wellcome Library

Land mass chart (c) Simon Sullivan

Christopher Columbus, Artephot

Witch eating calculator (c) Tim Mak

FSMism venn diagram (c) Simon Sullivan

Evolution (c) Tim Mak

Pirate to man (c) Ed Crane

Why Do Men Have Nipples?, courtesy of Crown Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Temperature/Pirate graph (c) Simon Sullivan

ID graph (c) Simon Sullivan