The Jesuit Guide To (Almost) Everything - James Martin [114]
Yet Ignatius treated his friend with dignity, remembering the Presupposition and giving him the benefit of the doubt. In the letter relieving Simon of his post in Portugal, Ignatius mentions not Simon’s shortcomings and problems—which both knew—but the burden that was placed upon Simon as provincial and how it “does not seem proper to hold you any longer in these labors.” After asking Simon to return to Rome, Ignatius wrote compassionately of his desire to maintain his friend’s good reputation and provide for Simon’s future. There is not an ounce of recrimination in his generous letter.
Moreover, says Ignatius, he treasures Simon’s friendship. If he loves the other Jesuits, he says, he feels an even greater affection for his first companions, “particularly toward you, for whom, as you know, I have always had a very special love in the Lord.” It is a remarkable letter that shows how well Ignatius understood the value, and challenges, of friendship and love.
We all have friends or family members who find themselves in trouble, who disappoint us with self-destructive behavior, or who seem incapable or unwilling to change, despite the best efforts of those who love them. These periods may last for a few weeks, a few years, or a lifetime. In these situations we are called to be special friends and to not only encourage them to lead healthy lives, but also to extend to them our “special love,” as Ignatius did with Simon Rodrigues.
And if you think your relationships are too complicated for this, remember Ignatius had to deal with a devilishly complex situation— having to balance the following: his responsibility for the Jesuits in Portugal and Spain; his duty toward those with whom they worked in their schools and churches; his need to remain in the good graces of the king of Portugal; his desire to uphold the reputation of the Society of Jesus; and his wish to be kind to one of his oldest friends.
Ignatius was able to navigate these waters because of his “way of proceeding.” To begin with, Ignatius, who was, after all, the author of the Presupposition, gave Simon the benefit of the doubt, trying to see things from his point of view. Second, he was honest without being insulting. Third, he was reasonable about what would work and what wouldn’t, making decisions and taking actions that would be painful for himself, and that even might lead him to be misunderstood. Fourth, he understood the absolute centrality of love. Fifth, he was “detached” enough to know that he might not be able to change his “difficult friend.” Eventually, according to The First Jesuits, Rodrigues came to accept the wisdom of Ignatius’s actions.
Ignatius had a talent for friendship because he had a talent for charity, honesty, reason, love, and detachment.
UNION OF HEARTS AND MINDS
Just as I was writing this chapter, I got a phone call from a good friend. Dave was a mathematics professor before entering the Jesuits and is also one of the most organized and hardworking people I know. And one of the kindest, too—I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say an uncharitable word about another person. During philosophy studies in Chicago, we lived in the same community. (The wall between our two rooms was so thin that we also, unavoidably, heard each other’s phone conversations, and therefore we had few secrets!)
But as with many Jesuit friends, my days of living near him are over for now. Since Dave works in Chicago, we rarely see each other.
After I told Dave that I was working on this chapter, I asked him, “What do you think it takes to keep a good friendship?”
“Staying in contact is most important,” he said. Times when distance or overwork diminish one’s ability to maintain friendships are when one needs to be diligent about keeping in touch. And, said Dave, the times when you are most tempted to neglect friendships, which can move you toward loneliness, are precisely when you most need to care for yourself by nourishing those relationships.
Even with the hurdles of distance and time, deep friendships can be sustained. “Like most people who have known