The Jesuit Guide To (Almost) Everything - James Martin [115]
Ignatius referred to this as a “union of hearts and minds,” in which Jesuits could be united in a common purpose, and as companions, even though many miles apart. That’s a good goal for any friendship: the union of hearts and minds.
After Dave’s providential phone call, I decided to call a few other friends, men and women who are well versed in Ignatian spirituality to ask them what the way of Ignatius taught them about friendship and love.
Many insights dovetailed with Father Shelton’s article on friendship, in which he offers not only some things to avoid, but also some positive tips on what leads to healthy friendships. Let’s look at some of Shelton’s recommendations and also some of my own friends’ wisdom.
Shelton begins by saying that good friends know about one another’s lives. That sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But a friendship can become one-sided. Sometimes you see your friend or a family member as existing to serve your needs—say, as psychologist or life coach—forgetting the need to take an active interest in the other person’s life. There has to be both giving and receiving. “Love consists in a mutual communication between the two persons,” wrote Ignatius in the Exercises. “Each shares with the other.”
Sister Maddy, my friend from Nairobi and Gloucester, also pointed to that dynamic—but wanted to emphasize the receiving. “You have to let your friend be a friend to you,” she said. “Sometimes it’s more difficult to receive.” She quoted one of her favorite sayings: “A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.”
When I asked Bill, president of a high school in Portland, Maine, if I could identify him as one of my oldest Jesuit friends, he laughed. “Say longest, not oldest!” Bill and I entered the novitiate the same year and have gone through over twenty years of Jesuit training, so we know each other well. He’s an easygoing, affable fellow with plenty of friends.
For Bill the “work” of friendship includes taking initiatives. “It’s easy to say you want to see one another,” he said, “but just as easy to let things slide. Friendships can die through attrition if you don’t take the initiative.”
Paula, a longtime friend from graduate school who studied alongside many Jesuits, is a lively but soft-spoken woman. Ten years after finishing her theology degree, she is now married with two young children and works as a campus minister at a Jesuit university in Cleveland, Ohio. She laughed when I asked about sustaining good friendships.
“You mean with Jesuits or with others?” she said. “Because friendships with Jesuits require a special set of strategies!”
More seriously, Paula pointed to “intentionality” as a key element. She asks, “Are there core values that go beyond the situation that brought you together? Was it only a great college friendship, or is it deeper? Are you able to talk about meaningful areas of your lives?”
Paula agreed with Shelton’s warning against possessiveness, even—and she surprised me by saying this—in a marriage. She appreciated this in terms of Ignatian spirituality. “The Principle and Foundation of the Spiritual Exercises,” she said, “talks about not being attached to any one thing or person. And that includes your spouse.”
“When I first heard about being ‘detached’ from my husband, I thought it was ridiculous!” Paula explained. “But as I got older, I realized that as wonderful as the relationship is, it can’t be more important than my relationship with God, because one day it will end. You cannot be utterly dependent on anyone and look to only one person to fill all your needs. Because, eventually, they won’t be able to.” She often shares that insight with college students who are inclined to make their girlfriends or boyfriends the center of their lives.
Does putting God at the center mean that you have less love available for your spouse? “Oh no,” she said immediately. “If God is at the center, there’s always room for others. In fact,