The Jesuit Guide To (Almost) Everything - James Martin [116]
In his article Shelton noted that a good friend is also able to share his true feelings and listen to the other’s feelings, even when it may be uncomfortable. A good question to ask is, Whom do I trust enough to freely share any negative feelings with? In other words, with whom can I be honest?
That starts with being honest with yourself. One of my closest friends is George, who entered the novitiate the year before me. Today he is a prison chaplain in Boston. George offered some rich insights into how Ignatian spirituality can help with friendship.
“Since Ignatian spirituality helps us to be honest with ourselves, it also invites honesty in our relationships with friends,” said George. “My friends are those with whom I can be myself: they know my baggage and limitations. They also appreciate my strengths—perhaps more than I do. And when I think of the Ignatian idea of ‘sinners loved by God,’ it easily translates into ‘sinners loved by friends.’ ”
This means looking at both ourselves and our friends compassionately. “Having more compassion for myself,” says George, “allows me to have more compassion for friends.”
It is a great help to progress to possess a friend who is privileged to point out to you your failings.
— St. Ignatius Loyola
Like George, each of my friends made explicit connections between Ignatian spirituality and friendship. Bob is president of a Jesuit high school in Jersey City, New Jersey. He’s an excellent listener and, as a result, an excellent friend. Bob reflected on the link between friendship and the Ignatian understanding of desire.
“From an Ignatian standpoint, God interacts with a person on a direct basis,” Bob said. “And the way this often happens is through our friends. So friendship, in both its support and challenges, is one of the main ways we discover God. We discover who we are as loved individuals, and we discover that in our friends.”
That desire for friendship comes from God, he said. “It’s a desire to discover what’s going on with someone else. And it’s the desire for the infinite, which comes from God, and the desire to participate with the infinite, which is ultimately satisfied by God, who is our friend.”
One way Jesuits cultivate friendships is through a practice called “faith sharing.” The practice may provide hints about how you can build an honest relationship with your friends.
LISTEN MUCH
Every Sunday night in the novitiate our community gathered for “faith sharing,” which meant speaking to one another about our spiritual lives: where we had experienced God in our daily lives and what our prayer was like.
There were two rules. First, everything was confidential. Second, no comments were allowed after someone spoke, unless it was a question asked to clarify something.
The first rule made sense. The second seemed ridiculous. Early on, when people expressed their struggles, I wanted to say, “Why not try this?” If someone said he missed his old life, I wanted to say, “Me, too.” If someone talked about being lonely, I wanted to say, “Knock on my door.” I couldn’t understand why the novice director wanted us to be silent.
Gradually I realized: it was so we could listen.
Listening is a lost art. We want to listen, we want to think we’re listening, but we are often so busy planning what we’re going to say in response or what advice we’re going to give, that we fail to pay attention.
As Gerry, our novice director, explained, there was ample time in the novitiate to console, to counsel, and to advise. The practice echoed one of Ignatius’s lesser-known sayings: “Speak little, listen much.” We were also told that keeping everything strictly confidential made people feel more relaxed.
Gradually I grew to love faith sharing. When my fellow novices, as well as Gerry and his assistant, David, shared about how they had experienced God in the previous week, I was fascinated. What a wonder to see how complicated these men were and how much they were all trying to grow in holiness, trying to be better men, better Jesuits.
It’s Listening!
Jesuits aren’t always