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By Root 714 0

I invented scenarios in which my father had beaten me in much the same way I knew Gacy had been mistreated. I figured: if Gacy is able to relate to my suffering, he might give me insight into how these situations affected him. The other reason for spinning these tales was that it created an impression I could shortly be homeless—banished by either my father’s or my own decision. I suspected that Gacy would seize on this as an opportunity to instruct me in novel ways to earn money. And he didn’t disappoint.

He coached me on how to sell myself on the streets and how to make my body my most important tool. He described how interested “buyers” would act and how I should act with them. Basically, he was giving me a tutorial in how to be the perfect victim.

Although he claimed sympathy for my abusive situation, he insisted that being passive was a good quality. The fact is, he wanted me to become overwhelmed by those who were strong and could break me down. Right from the beginning, he set the tone for me to enter the world of submission to his authority. Key to this was getting me to see that being passive, or even humiliated, was okay—that sometimes it was necessary.

Of course, many of my hypotheses, assumptions, analyses, and explanations as to what happened and why were formulated after the events occurred. I wasn’t operating quite as deliberately and systematically as it might seem.

I did have a general plan, but it wasn’t nearly as well developed as it now might sound, with the luxury of years to reflect on my behavior. While it’s true that I spent hundreds of hours analyzing every word Gacy sent me, and every word I sent back, I sometimes wasn’t fully conscious of what I was doing.

Years later, after taking a dozen psychology courses, reading everything ever written on the subject of serial killers, consulting with the FBI, doing an internship with the U.S. Secret Service, and writing an honors thesis on this experience, then I could look back on what happened with some clarity. At the time Gacy and I were exchanging letters, though, I was mostly shooting from the hip, trying things out, experimenting to see what would work even if I couldn’t exactly explain why.

Sex is what Gacy wanted to talk about in every letter. He continuously interrogated me about my own experiences, trying to get a handle on what my inclinations were so he could determine the best way to play me. At first, I found his perversity disgusting. But after a while, I stopped dwelling on the images and viewed his off-the-wall approaches as, well, like a chess game or a mathematical problem to solve. If he says this, I should say that.

Since he kept badgering me to tell him about what I’d done previously, the first fantasy I offered up was one I could easily relate to: being seduced by an older woman. I knew that he’d had a similar experience in his youth, the difference being that his was with an older man. Even so, the similarity between the two experiences seemed likely to forge a point of connection. When I actually sat down at my desk to construct the scenario, I smiled with satisfaction as I thought about a twist in the story I could create—one that would feed Gacy’s obsession with bisexuality. The excerpt from my letter reads as follows:

One night I was at a Christmas party and this pretty woman came up and started talking to me. The conversation went well, and we decided to go into a room of the house where we could have some privacy. One thing led to another and we started kissing passionately. I asked her if I could go down on her, and she said yes. After working my way up her thighs she pulled away, and stopped me. She then laid me down on the bed and performed oral sex on me, and gave me the best orgasm of my life. I was very happy with her. After a few minutes, she told me she was a man, a transvestite, and if I was still interested I could call her the next day. I never called her again.

Saying a prayer that my parents and friends would never stumble across this balderdash, I told Gacy I was very excited about the whole incident