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“Jason, the Bible preaches against taking your own life, but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. Your life will hit rock bottom someday, and when the time is right, you’ll know what to do, and also how to do it.”

Was he telling me there’d come a time when he wanted me to kill myself, maybe after his execution? Or maybe he was admitting his plan to take his own life before the state could do it. Either way, I couldn’t get his words out of my mind.

18

Incest

Just when I thought there was nothing new that Gacy could surprise me with, he brought up an idea on the phone that broke new ground: he wanted me to have an incestuous relationship with my brother! The notion of a homosexual encounter was, to me, distasteful enough—but sex with Jarrod? It was beyond sick.

I tried to change the subject immediately, redirecting things toward a safer area. But Gacy could be persistent. In the past, he’d suggested I have sex with friends, my mom— even my dog! But my “doing it” with Jarrod—the image drove him crazy.

So obsessed was he by this notion that I eventually decided something might be learned by appearing to entertain it.

During our next phone conversation, I acted stupid for not considering the possibility of sex with my brother sooner. It was natural I’d show reluctance, and this only stimulated him to increase the intensity of his sales pitch. As he methodically ticked off the reasons for sibling sex, he sounded like a spokesman for H&R Block.

“You need to get off, Jason. I know your girlfriend is not giving it to you every day,” he said.

“You’re right, John.”

“You know guys can get you off just as well as girls. We’ve gone over this before.”

Still acting very hesitant, I mumbled back, “Yeah, I guess.”

He continued pressing. “Your brother isn’t gettin’ any either. Don’t you see what a waste this is? Why hold out when you guys have each other? You and your brother can trust one another completely. It’s safe, clean, and discreet. Hell, why not get him off a couple of times until he keeps coming back for more?”

As I listened without responding, he said, “You don’t know how lucky you are to be in the situation you’re in.”

“What do you mean?”

“You guys can use each other to get off all day long. At night. In the morning. All day long.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “It just doesn’t sound right. If my parents found out, I’d be thrown out of the house for sure. I’d have nowhere to go.”

“Relax, Jason. Nobody will ever find out. Just slide into his bed at night, or in the morning, and start wrestling around with him until you get him hard. After a while, he’ll get used to it, then just let your head end up in his crotch and just take it in your mouth. He might get nervous at first, but then he’ll begin to get into it and let you finish the job. After you get him off once, then he’ll be yours. If he gives you any trouble after that, you can just remind him: ‘So, I was good enough to blow you once, but now it’s not okay?’”

“I guess” were the only words that I could get out of my mouth at this point. I wasn’t sure how much more of this conversation I could handle.

Eventually, I learned to distract myself during Gacy’s sicker tangents. Sometimes, while he was talking, I’d read a magazine; sometimes I’d watch the television with the sound down low; sometimes I’d jot down notes.

But at this point I was meeting his prurience head-on, and it was tough to take.

“Call Jarrod into your room right now,” Gacy said, hoping to close the sale.

“Okay, hold on a second.” After leaving him hanging for a minute, I acted disappointed because, unfortunately, “Jarrod had baseball practice early in the morning and he still isn’t home yet.”

“Oh well. Just make sure and try this afternoon or tonight when he gets home.”

Yeah, right.

A few days later, Gacy mailed me a letter in which he elaborated on how I should go about seducing my brother:

Regarding J [the code he assigned to Jarrod] and experiencing that, well the best