The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [82]
and solemn a one, and what with the help of great wigs, grave faces, and other implements of deceit, was rendered so general a one against the poor wits in this matter, that the philosopher himself was deceived by it--it was his glory to free the world from the lumber of a thousand vulgar errors;--but this was not of the number; so that instead of sitting down coolly, as such a philosopher should have done, to have examined the matter of fact before he philosophised upon it--on the contrary he took the fact for granted, and so joined in with the cry, and halloo'd it as boisterously as the rest.
This has been made the Magna Charta of stupidity ever since--but your reverences plainly see, it has been obtained in such a manner, that the title to it is not worth a groat:--which by-the-bye is one of the many and vile impositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer for hereafter.
As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind too freely--I beg leave to qualify whatever has been unguardedly said to their dispraise or prejudice, by one general declaration--That I have no abhorrence whatever, nor do I detest and abjure either great wigs or long beards, any farther than when I see they are bespoke and let grow on purpose to carry on this self-same imposture--for any purpose--peace be with them!--> mark only--I write not for them.
Chapter 2.XIV.
Every day for at least ten years together did my father resolve to have it mended--'tis not mended yet;--no family but ours would have borne with it an hour--and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of door-hinges.--And yet at the same time, he was certainly one of the greatest bubbles to them, I think, that history can produce: his rhetorick and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuffs.--Never did the parlour-door open--but his philosophy or his principles fell a victim to it;--three drops of oil with a feather, and a smart stroke of a hammer, had saved his honour for ever.
--Inconsistent soul that man is!--languishing under wounds, which he has the power to heal!--his whole life a contradiction to his knowledge!--his reason, that precious gift of God to him--(instead of pouring in oil) serving but to sharpen his sensibilities--to multiply his pains, and render him more melancholy and uneasy under them!--Poor unhappy creature, that he should do so!--Are not the necessary causes of misery in this life enow, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow;--struggle against evils which cannot be avoided, and submit to others, which a tenth part of the trouble they create him would remove from his heart for ever?
By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of Shandy Hall--the parlour door hinge shall be mended this reign.
Chapter 2.XV.
When Corporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bear, he was delighted with his handy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would be to his master to see them, he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying them directly into his parlour.
Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of hinges, I had a speculative consideration arising out of it, and it is this.
Had the parlour door opened and turn'd upon its hinges, as a door should do--
Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its hinges--(that is, in case things have all along gone well with your worship,--otherwise I give up my simile)--in this case, I say, there had been no danger either to master or man, in corporal Trim's peeping in: the moment he had beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast asleep--the respectfulness of his carriage was such, he would have retired as silent as death, and left them both in their arm-chairs, dreaming as happy as he had found them: but the thing was, morally speaking, so very impracticable, that for the many years in which this hinge was suffered to be out of order, and amongst the
This has been made the Magna Charta of stupidity ever since--but your reverences plainly see, it has been obtained in such a manner, that the title to it is not worth a groat:--which by-the-bye is one of the many and vile impositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer for hereafter.
As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind too freely--I beg leave to qualify whatever has been unguardedly said to their dispraise or prejudice, by one general declaration--That I have no abhorrence whatever, nor do I detest and abjure either great wigs or long beards, any farther than when I see they are bespoke and let grow on purpose to carry on this self-same imposture--for any purpose--peace be with them!--> mark only--I write not for them.
Chapter 2.XIV.
Every day for at least ten years together did my father resolve to have it mended--'tis not mended yet;--no family but ours would have borne with it an hour--and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of door-hinges.--And yet at the same time, he was certainly one of the greatest bubbles to them, I think, that history can produce: his rhetorick and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuffs.--Never did the parlour-door open--but his philosophy or his principles fell a victim to it;--three drops of oil with a feather, and a smart stroke of a hammer, had saved his honour for ever.
--Inconsistent soul that man is!--languishing under wounds, which he has the power to heal!--his whole life a contradiction to his knowledge!--his reason, that precious gift of God to him--(instead of pouring in oil) serving but to sharpen his sensibilities--to multiply his pains, and render him more melancholy and uneasy under them!--Poor unhappy creature, that he should do so!--Are not the necessary causes of misery in this life enow, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow;--struggle against evils which cannot be avoided, and submit to others, which a tenth part of the trouble they create him would remove from his heart for ever?
By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of Shandy Hall--the parlour door hinge shall be mended this reign.
Chapter 2.XV.
When Corporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bear, he was delighted with his handy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would be to his master to see them, he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying them directly into his parlour.
Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of hinges, I had a speculative consideration arising out of it, and it is this.
Had the parlour door opened and turn'd upon its hinges, as a door should do--
Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its hinges--(that is, in case things have all along gone well with your worship,--otherwise I give up my simile)--in this case, I say, there had been no danger either to master or man, in corporal Trim's peeping in: the moment he had beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast asleep--the respectfulness of his carriage was such, he would have retired as silent as death, and left them both in their arm-chairs, dreaming as happy as he had found them: but the thing was, morally speaking, so very impracticable, that for the many years in which this hinge was suffered to be out of order, and amongst the