The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [83]
hourly grievances my father submitted to upon its account--this was one; that he never folded his arms to take his nap after dinner, but the thoughts of being unavoidably awakened by the first person who should open the door, was always uppermost in his imagination, and so incessantly stepp'd in betwixt him and the first balmy presage of his repose, as to rob him, as he often declared, of the whole sweets of it.
'When things move upon bad hinges, an' please your lordships, how can it be otherwise?'
Pray what's the matter? Who is there? cried my father, waking, the moment the door began to creak.--I wish the smith would give a peep at that confounded hinge.--'Tis nothing, an please your honour, said Trim, but two mortars I am bringing in.--They shan't make a clatter with them here, cried my father hastily.--If Dr. Slop has any drugs to pound, let him do it in the kitchen.--May it please your honour, cried Trim, they are two mortar- pieces for a siege next summer, which I have been making out of a pair of jack-boots, which Obadiah told me your honour had left off wearing.--By Heaven! cried my father, springing out of his chair, as he swore--I have not one appointment belonging to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these jack-boots--they were our great grandfather's brother Toby--they were hereditary. Then I fear, quoth my uncle Toby, Trim has cut off the entail.--I have only cut off the tops, an' please your honour, cried Trim-- I hate perpetuities as much as any man alive, cried my father--but these jack-boots, continued he (smiling, though very angry at the same time) have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil wars;--Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of Marston-Moor.--I declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them.--I'll pay you the money, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle Toby, looking at the two mortars with infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches pocket as he viewed them--I'll pay you the ten pounds this moment with all my heart and soul.--
Brother Toby, replied my father, altering his tone, you care not what money you dissipate and throw away, provided, continued he, 'tis but upon a Siege.--Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay? cried my uncle Toby.--What is that--replied my father hastily--to ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots?--twelve guineas for your pontoons?--half as much for your Dutch draw-bridge?--to say nothing of the train of little brass artillery you bespoke last week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of Messina: believe me, dear brother Toby, continued my father, taking him kindly by the hand--these military operations of yours are above your strength;--you mean well brother--but they carry you into greater expences than you were first aware of;--and take my word, dear Toby, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you.--What signifies it if they do, brother, replied my uncle Toby, so long as we know 'tis for the good of the nation?--
My father could not help smiling for his soul--his anger at the worst was never more than a spark;--and the zeal and simplicity of Trim--and the generous (though hobby-horsical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into perfect good humour with them in an instant.
Generous souls!--God prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too! quoth my father to himself.
Chapter 2.XVI.
All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairs--I hear not one foot stirring.--Prithee Trim, who's in the kitchen? There is no one soul in the kitchen, answered Trim, making a low bow as he spoke, except Dr. Slop.--Confusion! cried my father (getting upon his legs a second time)--not one single thing has gone right this day! had I faith in astrology, brother, (which, by the bye, my father had) I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out of its place.--Why, I thought Dr. Slop had been above stairs with my wife, and so said you.--What can the fellow be puzzling
'When things move upon bad hinges, an' please your lordships, how can it be otherwise?'
Pray what's the matter? Who is there? cried my father, waking, the moment the door began to creak.--I wish the smith would give a peep at that confounded hinge.--'Tis nothing, an please your honour, said Trim, but two mortars I am bringing in.--They shan't make a clatter with them here, cried my father hastily.--If Dr. Slop has any drugs to pound, let him do it in the kitchen.--May it please your honour, cried Trim, they are two mortar- pieces for a siege next summer, which I have been making out of a pair of jack-boots, which Obadiah told me your honour had left off wearing.--By Heaven! cried my father, springing out of his chair, as he swore--I have not one appointment belonging to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these jack-boots--they were our great grandfather's brother Toby--they were hereditary. Then I fear, quoth my uncle Toby, Trim has cut off the entail.--I have only cut off the tops, an' please your honour, cried Trim-- I hate perpetuities as much as any man alive, cried my father--but these jack-boots, continued he (smiling, though very angry at the same time) have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil wars;--Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of Marston-Moor.--I declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them.--I'll pay you the money, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle Toby, looking at the two mortars with infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches pocket as he viewed them--I'll pay you the ten pounds this moment with all my heart and soul.--
Brother Toby, replied my father, altering his tone, you care not what money you dissipate and throw away, provided, continued he, 'tis but upon a Siege.--Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay? cried my uncle Toby.--What is that--replied my father hastily--to ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots?--twelve guineas for your pontoons?--half as much for your Dutch draw-bridge?--to say nothing of the train of little brass artillery you bespoke last week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of Messina: believe me, dear brother Toby, continued my father, taking him kindly by the hand--these military operations of yours are above your strength;--you mean well brother--but they carry you into greater expences than you were first aware of;--and take my word, dear Toby, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you.--What signifies it if they do, brother, replied my uncle Toby, so long as we know 'tis for the good of the nation?--
My father could not help smiling for his soul--his anger at the worst was never more than a spark;--and the zeal and simplicity of Trim--and the generous (though hobby-horsical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into perfect good humour with them in an instant.
Generous souls!--God prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too! quoth my father to himself.
Chapter 2.XVI.
All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairs--I hear not one foot stirring.--Prithee Trim, who's in the kitchen? There is no one soul in the kitchen, answered Trim, making a low bow as he spoke, except Dr. Slop.--Confusion! cried my father (getting upon his legs a second time)--not one single thing has gone right this day! had I faith in astrology, brother, (which, by the bye, my father had) I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out of its place.--Why, I thought Dr. Slop had been above stairs with my wife, and so said you.--What can the fellow be puzzling