The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [90]
planted the mistake (in case it was one) my father watered it, and ripened it to perfection.
He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject, that he did not conceive how the greatest family in England could stand it out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses.--And for the contrary reason, he would generally add, That it must be one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line, did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the kingdom.--He would often boast that the Shandy family rank'd very high in king Harry the VIIIth's time, but owed its rise to no state engine--he would say--but to that only;--but that, like other families, he would add--it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never recovered the blow of my great-grandfather's nose.--It was an ace of clubs indeed, he would cry, shaking his head--and as vile a one for an unfortunate family as ever turn'd up trumps.
--Fair and softly, gentle reader!--where is thy fancy carrying thee!--If there is truth in man, by my great-grandfather's nose, I mean the external organ of smelling, or that part of man which stands prominent in his face-- and which painters say, in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a full third--that is, measured downwards from the setting on of the hair.
--What a life of it has an author, at this pass!
Chapter 2.XXVII.
It is a singular blessing, that nature has form'd the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, which is observed in old dogs--'of not learning new tricks.'
What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever existed be whisk'd into at once, did he read such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him change sides!
Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all this--He pick'd up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple.--It becomes his own--and if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up.
I am aware that Didius, the great civilian, will contest this point; and cry out against me, Whence comes this man's right to this apple? ex confesso, he will say--things were in a state of nature--The apple, is as much Frank's apple as John's. Pray, Mr. Shandy, what patent has he to shew for it? and how did it begin to be his? was it, when he set his heart upon it? or when he gathered it? or when he chew'd it? or when he roasted it? or when he peel'd, or when he brought it home? or when he digested?--or when he--?--For 'tis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the apple, made it not his--that no subsequent act could.
Brother Didius, Tribonius will answer--(now Tribonius the civilian and church lawyer's beard being three inches and a half and three eighths longer than Didius his beard--I'm glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no farther trouble about the answer.)--Brother Didius, Tribonius will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of Gregorius and Hermogines's codes, and in all the codes from Justinian's down to the codes of Louis and Des Eaux--That the sweat of a man's brows, and the exsudations of a man's brains, are as much a man's own property as the breeches upon his backside;--which said exsudations, &c. being dropp'd upon the said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annex'd, by the picker up, to the thing pick'd up, carried home, roasted, peel'd, eaten, digested, and so on;--'tis evident that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mix'd up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his own, by which means he has acquired a property;--or, in other words, the apple is John's apple.
By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they lay out of the common way, the better
He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject, that he did not conceive how the greatest family in England could stand it out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses.--And for the contrary reason, he would generally add, That it must be one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line, did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the kingdom.--He would often boast that the Shandy family rank'd very high in king Harry the VIIIth's time, but owed its rise to no state engine--he would say--but to that only;--but that, like other families, he would add--it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never recovered the blow of my great-grandfather's nose.--It was an ace of clubs indeed, he would cry, shaking his head--and as vile a one for an unfortunate family as ever turn'd up trumps.
--Fair and softly, gentle reader!--where is thy fancy carrying thee!--If there is truth in man, by my great-grandfather's nose, I mean the external organ of smelling, or that part of man which stands prominent in his face-- and which painters say, in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a full third--that is, measured downwards from the setting on of the hair.
--What a life of it has an author, at this pass!
Chapter 2.XXVII.
It is a singular blessing, that nature has form'd the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, which is observed in old dogs--'of not learning new tricks.'
What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever existed be whisk'd into at once, did he read such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him change sides!
Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all this--He pick'd up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple.--It becomes his own--and if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up.
I am aware that Didius, the great civilian, will contest this point; and cry out against me, Whence comes this man's right to this apple? ex confesso, he will say--things were in a state of nature--The apple, is as much Frank's apple as John's. Pray, Mr. Shandy, what patent has he to shew for it? and how did it begin to be his? was it, when he set his heart upon it? or when he gathered it? or when he chew'd it? or when he roasted it? or when he peel'd, or when he brought it home? or when he digested?--or when he--?--For 'tis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the apple, made it not his--that no subsequent act could.
Brother Didius, Tribonius will answer--(now Tribonius the civilian and church lawyer's beard being three inches and a half and three eighths longer than Didius his beard--I'm glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no farther trouble about the answer.)--Brother Didius, Tribonius will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of Gregorius and Hermogines's codes, and in all the codes from Justinian's down to the codes of Louis and Des Eaux--That the sweat of a man's brows, and the exsudations of a man's brains, are as much a man's own property as the breeches upon his backside;--which said exsudations, &c. being dropp'd upon the said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annex'd, by the picker up, to the thing pick'd up, carried home, roasted, peel'd, eaten, digested, and so on;--'tis evident that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mix'd up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his own, by which means he has acquired a property;--or, in other words, the apple is John's apple.
By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they lay out of the common way, the better