The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy [89]
of his right hand to the word Crevice, in the one hundred and seventy-eighth page of the first volume of this book of books,--here are two senses--quoth he.--And here are two roads, replied I, turning short upon him--a dirty and a clean one--which shall we take?--The clean, by all means, replied Eugenius. Eugenius, said I, stepping before him, and laying my hand upon his breast--to define--is to distrust.--Thus I triumph'd over Eugenius; but I triumph'd over him as I always do, like a fool.--'Tis my comfort, however, I am not an obstinate one: therefore
I define a nose as follows--intreating only beforehand, and beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion, and condition soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard against the temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by no art or wile to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put into my definition--For by the word Nose, throughout all this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word Nose occurs--I declare, by that word I mean a nose, and nothing more, or less.
Chapter 2.XXV.
--'Because,' quoth my great grandmother, repeating the words again--'you have little or no nose, Sir.'--
S'death! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose,--'tis not so small as that comes to;--'tis a full inch longer than my father's.-- Now, my great-grandfather's nose was for all the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom Pantagruel found dwelling upon the island of Ennasin.--By the way, if you would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so flat-nosed a people--you must read the book;--find it out yourself, you never can.--
--'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.
--'Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his assertion--'tis a full inch longer, madam, than my father's--You must mean your uncle's, replied my great-grandmother.
--My great-grandfather was convinced.--He untwisted the paper, and signed the article.
Chapter 2.XXVI.
--What an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grandfather.
My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand.
--Now, you must know, that my great-grandmother outlived my grandfather twelve years; so that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half-yearly--(on Michaelmas and Lady-day,)--during all that time.
No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my father.--And as far as a hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirited jerk of an honest welcome, which generous souls, and generous souls only, are able to fling down money: but as soon as ever he enter'd upon the odd fifty--he generally gave a loud Hem! rubb'd the side of his nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore finger--inserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and the cawl of his wig--look'd at both sides of every guinea as he parted with it- -and seldom could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples.
Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make no allowances for these workings within us.--Never--O never may I lay down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the force of education, and the prevalence of opinions long derived from ancestors!
For three generations at least this tenet in favour of long noses had gradually been taking root in our family.--Tradition was all along on its side, and Interest was every half-year stepping in to strengthen it; so that the whimsicality of my father's brain was far from having the whole honour of this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions.--For in a great measure he might be said to have suck'd this in with his mother's milk. He did his part however.--If education
I define a nose as follows--intreating only beforehand, and beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion, and condition soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard against the temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by no art or wile to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put into my definition--For by the word Nose, throughout all this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word Nose occurs--I declare, by that word I mean a nose, and nothing more, or less.
Chapter 2.XXV.
--'Because,' quoth my great grandmother, repeating the words again--'you have little or no nose, Sir.'--
S'death! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose,--'tis not so small as that comes to;--'tis a full inch longer than my father's.-- Now, my great-grandfather's nose was for all the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom Pantagruel found dwelling upon the island of Ennasin.--By the way, if you would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so flat-nosed a people--you must read the book;--find it out yourself, you never can.--
--'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.
--'Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his assertion--'tis a full inch longer, madam, than my father's--You must mean your uncle's, replied my great-grandmother.
--My great-grandfather was convinced.--He untwisted the paper, and signed the article.
Chapter 2.XXVI.
--What an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grandfather.
My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand.
--Now, you must know, that my great-grandmother outlived my grandfather twelve years; so that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half-yearly--(on Michaelmas and Lady-day,)--during all that time.
No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my father.--And as far as a hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirited jerk of an honest welcome, which generous souls, and generous souls only, are able to fling down money: but as soon as ever he enter'd upon the odd fifty--he generally gave a loud Hem! rubb'd the side of his nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore finger--inserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and the cawl of his wig--look'd at both sides of every guinea as he parted with it- -and seldom could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples.
Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make no allowances for these workings within us.--Never--O never may I lay down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the force of education, and the prevalence of opinions long derived from ancestors!
For three generations at least this tenet in favour of long noses had gradually been taking root in our family.--Tradition was all along on its side, and Interest was every half-year stepping in to strengthen it; so that the whimsicality of my father's brain was far from having the whole honour of this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions.--For in a great measure he might be said to have suck'd this in with his mother's milk. He did his part however.--If education