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—And I may take salt4 to my pickled herring, said I, if I chuse——

—But I do not chuse—

—But you must pay for it, whether you do or no——

Aye! for the salt; said I (I know)——

—And for the post too; added he. Defend me; cried I——

I travel by water—I am going down the Rhône this very afternoon—my baggage is in the boat—and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage——

C’est tout egal—’tis all one; said he.

Bon Dieu! what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do not go!

——C’est tout egal; replied the commissary——

——The devil it is! said I—but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles5 first——

O England! England! thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers—and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophè——

When the director of Madam Le Blanc’s conscience coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions—looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery—ask’d, if I stood in want of the aids of the church——

I go by WATER—said I—and here’s another will be for making me pay for going by OYL.6

CHAP. XXXV

As I perceived the commissary of the post-office would have his six livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say some smart thing upon the occasion, worth the money:

And so I set off thus——

——And pray Mr. commissary, by what law of courtesy is a defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a Frenchman in this matter?

By no means; said he.

Excuse me; said I—for you have begun, sir, with first tearing off my breeches—and now you want my pocket——

Whereas—had you first taken my pocket, as you do with your own people—and then left me bare a—’d after—I had been a beast to have complain’d——

As it is——

——’tis contrary to the law of nature.

——’tis contrary to reason.

——’tis contrary to the GOSPEL.

But not to this——said he—putting a printed paper into my hand.

PAR LE ROY.1

———’tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth I—and so read on – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

——By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over, a little too rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from Paris—he must go on travelling in one, all the days of his life—or pay for it.——Excuse me, said the commissary, the spirit of the ordinance is this—That if you set out with an intention of running post from Paris to Avignion, &c. you shall not change that intention or mode of travelling, without first satisfying the fermiers2 for two posts further than the place you repent at—and ’tis founded, continued he, upon this, that the REVENUES are not to fall short through your fickleness——

——O by heavens! cried I—if fickleness is taxable in France—we have nothing to do but to make the best peace with you we can——

AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE;3

——And if it is a bad one—as Tristram Shandy laid the corner stone of it—nobody but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged.

CHAP. XXXVI

Though I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary as came to six livres four sous, yet I was determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks before I retir’d from the place; so putting my hand into my coat pocket for my remarks—(which by the bye, may be a caution to travellers to take a little more care of their remarks for the future) “my remarks were stolen”——Never did sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his remarks as I did about mine, upon the occasion.

Heaven! earth! sea! fire!1 cried I, calling in every thing to my aid but what I should——My remarks are stolen!—what shall I do?—Mr. commissary! pray did I drop any remarks as I stood besides you?——

You dropp’d a good many very singular ones; replied he——Pugh! said I, those were but a few, not worth above six livres two sous—but