The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman - Laurence Sterne [221]
——I must have my remarks——they were the best remarks, cried I, that ever were made—the wisest—the wittiest——What shall I do?—which way shall I turn myself?
Sancho Pança,2 when he lost his ass’s FURNITURE, did not exclaim more bitterly.
CHAP. XXXVII
When the first transport was over, and the registers of the brain were beginning to get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble of cross accidents had cast them—it then presently occurr’d to me, that I had left my remarks in the pocket of the chaise—and that in selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise-vamper.1 I leave this void space that the reader may swear into it, any oath that he is most accustomed to——For my own part, if ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancy in my life, I think it was into that——* * * * * * * * *,2 said I—and so my remarks through France, which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a penny—Have I been selling here to a chaise-vamper—for four Louis d’Ors—and giving him a post-chaise (by heaven) worth six into the bargain; had it been to Dodsley, or Becket,3 or any creditable bookseller, who was either leaving off business, and wanted a post-chaise—or who was beginning it—and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along with them—I could have borne it——but to a chaise-vamper!—shew me to him this moment François—said I—the valet de place put on his hat, and led the way—and I pull’d off mine, as I pass’d the commissary, and followed him.
CHAP. XXXVIII
When we arrived at the chaise-vamper’s house, both the house and the shop were shut up; it was the eighth of September, the nativity of the blessed Virgin Mary, mother of God—
——Tantarra - ra - tan - tivi1——the whole world was going out a May-poling—frisking here—capering there—no body cared a button for me or my remarks; so I sat me down upon a bench by the door, philosophating2 upon my condition: by a better fate than usually attends me, I had not waited half an hour, when the mistress came in, to take the papilliotes3 from off her hair, before she went to the May-poles——
The French women, by the bye, love May-poles, a la folie4—that is, as much as their matins——give ’em but a May-pole, whether in May, June, July, or September—they never count the times——down it goes——’tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging to ’em——and had we but the policy, an’ please your worships (as wood is a little scarce in France) to send them but plenty of May-poles——
The women would set them up; and when they had done, they would dance round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind.
The wife of the chaise-vamper step’d in, I told you, to take the papilliotes from off her hair——the toilet stands still for no man——so she jerk’d off her cap, to begin with them as she open’d the door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the ground——I instantly saw it was my own writing——
—O Seignieur! cried I—you have got all my remarks upon your head, Madam!——J’en suis bien mortifiée,5 said she——’tis well, thinks I, they have stuck there—for could they have gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a French woman’s noddle—She had better have gone with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity.
Tenez6—said she—so without any idea of the nature of my suffering, she took them from her curls, and put them gravely one by one into my hat——one was twisted this way——another twisted that——ay! by my faith; and when they are published, quoth I,——
They will be worse twisted still.
CHAP. XXXIX
And now for Lippius’s clock! said I, with the air of a man, who had got thro’ all his difficulties——nothing can prevent us seeing that, and the Chinese history, &c. except the time, said François——for ’tis almost eleven—then we must speed the faster, said I, striding it away to the cathedral.
I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me