The Man Who Was Afraid [124]
too narrow for him with his splendid health and predilection for licentiousness. Hampered by culture he at once starts to lead a dissolute life. The debauch of a merchant is always the revolt of a captive beast. Of course this is bad. But, ah! it will be worse yet, when this beast, in addition to his strength, shall have gathered some sense and shall have disciplined it. Believe me, even then he will not cease to create scandals, but they will be historical events. Heaven deliver us from such events! For they will emanate from the merchant's thirst for power; their aim will be the omnipotence of one class, and the merchant will not be particular about the means toward the attainment of this aim.
"Well, what do you say, is it true?" asked Yozhov, when he had finished reading the newspaper, and thrown it aside.
"I don't understand the end," replied Foma. "And as to strength, that is true! Where am I to make use of my strength since there is no demand for it! I ought to fight with robbers, or turn a robber myself. In general I ought to do something big. And that should be done not with the head, but with the arms and the breast. While here we have to go to the Exchange and try to aim well to make a rouble. What do we need it for? And what is it, anyway? Has life been arranged in this form forever? What sort of life is it, if everyone is grieved and finds it too narrow for him? Life ought to be according to the taste of man. If it is narrow for me, I must move it asunder that I may have more room. I must break it and reconstruct it. But nod? That's where the trouble lies! What ought to be done that life may be freer? That I do not understand, and that's all there is to it."
"Yes!" drawled out Yozhov. "So that's where you've gone! That, dear, is a good thing! Ah, you ought to study a little! How are you about books? Do you read any?"
"No, I don't care for them. I haven't read any."
"That's just why you don't care for them.""I am even afraid to read them. I know one--a certain girl--it's worse than drinking with her! And what sense is there in books? One man imagines something and prints it, and others read it. If it is interesting, it's all right. But learn from a book how to live!-- that is something absurd. It was written by man, not by God, and what laws and examples can man establish for himself?"
"And how about the Gospels? Were they not written by men?"
"Those were apostles. Now there are none."
"Good, your refutation is sound! It is true, dear, there are no apostles. Only the Judases remained, and miserable ones at that."
Foma felt very well, for he saw that Yozhov was attentively listening to his words and seemed to be weighing each and every word he uttered. Meeting such bearing toward him for the first time in his life, Foma unburdened himself boldly and freely before his friend, caring nothing for the choice of words, and feeling that he would be understood because Yozhov wanted to understand him.
"You are a curious fellow!" said Yozhov, about two days after their meeting. "And though you speak with difficulty, one feels that there is a great deal in you--great daring of heart! If you only knew a little about the order of life! Then you would speak loud enough, I think. Yes!"
"But you cannot wash yourself clean with words, nor can you then free yourself," remarked Foma, with a sigh. "You have said something about people who pretend that they know everything, and can do everything. I also know such people. My godfather, for instance. It would be a good thing to set out against them, to convict them; they're a pretty dangerous set!"
"I cannot imagine, Foma, how you will get along in life if you preserve within you that which you now have," said Yozhov, thoughtfully.
"It's very hard. I lack steadfastness. Of a sudden I could perhaps do something. I understand very well that life is difficult and narrow for every one of us. I know that my godfather sees that, too! But he profits by this narrowness. He feels well in it; he is sharp as a needle, and he'll make his way wherever he pleases.
"Well, what do you say, is it true?" asked Yozhov, when he had finished reading the newspaper, and thrown it aside.
"I don't understand the end," replied Foma. "And as to strength, that is true! Where am I to make use of my strength since there is no demand for it! I ought to fight with robbers, or turn a robber myself. In general I ought to do something big. And that should be done not with the head, but with the arms and the breast. While here we have to go to the Exchange and try to aim well to make a rouble. What do we need it for? And what is it, anyway? Has life been arranged in this form forever? What sort of life is it, if everyone is grieved and finds it too narrow for him? Life ought to be according to the taste of man. If it is narrow for me, I must move it asunder that I may have more room. I must break it and reconstruct it. But nod? That's where the trouble lies! What ought to be done that life may be freer? That I do not understand, and that's all there is to it."
"Yes!" drawled out Yozhov. "So that's where you've gone! That, dear, is a good thing! Ah, you ought to study a little! How are you about books? Do you read any?"
"No, I don't care for them. I haven't read any."
"That's just why you don't care for them.""I am even afraid to read them. I know one--a certain girl--it's worse than drinking with her! And what sense is there in books? One man imagines something and prints it, and others read it. If it is interesting, it's all right. But learn from a book how to live!-- that is something absurd. It was written by man, not by God, and what laws and examples can man establish for himself?"
"And how about the Gospels? Were they not written by men?"
"Those were apostles. Now there are none."
"Good, your refutation is sound! It is true, dear, there are no apostles. Only the Judases remained, and miserable ones at that."
Foma felt very well, for he saw that Yozhov was attentively listening to his words and seemed to be weighing each and every word he uttered. Meeting such bearing toward him for the first time in his life, Foma unburdened himself boldly and freely before his friend, caring nothing for the choice of words, and feeling that he would be understood because Yozhov wanted to understand him.
"You are a curious fellow!" said Yozhov, about two days after their meeting. "And though you speak with difficulty, one feels that there is a great deal in you--great daring of heart! If you only knew a little about the order of life! Then you would speak loud enough, I think. Yes!"
"But you cannot wash yourself clean with words, nor can you then free yourself," remarked Foma, with a sigh. "You have said something about people who pretend that they know everything, and can do everything. I also know such people. My godfather, for instance. It would be a good thing to set out against them, to convict them; they're a pretty dangerous set!"
"I cannot imagine, Foma, how you will get along in life if you preserve within you that which you now have," said Yozhov, thoughtfully.
"It's very hard. I lack steadfastness. Of a sudden I could perhaps do something. I understand very well that life is difficult and narrow for every one of us. I know that my godfather sees that, too! But he profits by this narrowness. He feels well in it; he is sharp as a needle, and he'll make his way wherever he pleases.