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By Root 639 0

the external world (I had ruined my credit from being a lazy bill payer) or the internal world, where I just didn’t want to have to deal with emotions of any kind. I remember exactly what that felt like, and I absolutely don’t want to be in that space ever again—that is the second prong. I never miss drinking, but while on vacation in Italy a few years ago, the thought of having a beer in the first-person-shooter-like streets of Venice just sounded nice. Then I walked myself through the result of such an action: I’d probably have a drink or two and guess what? I’d be fine. No dark genie would shoot out of my nose and eyes and take me on an immediate bender. In fact, I might not drink again for a week. Then I’d be somewhere else and think, “You know? I was fine before. I’m sure it’s fine now,” and do it again. And then again, and then again, and then again. My guess is that it would probably only take three months to get back into peak condition as a full-time beer-thelete. Because I’m able to walk myself through this process and know unquestionably how it would turn out, I choose not to do it. I’m able to not drink because, oddly, I respect the strength of my addiction. If you’d like to see a visual representation of how the unleashing would play out, watch John Carpenter’s The Thing.

The other thing I pass on to sober n00bs is the importance of good friends. How can you tell the difference? A bad friend is one that says, “Aw man (or lady or lady-man)! You don’t have a problem! Just come out with us!” With these assholes, you need to hold up your crucifix and garlic and back away slowly into the daylight. The good news is, once you quit drinking you probably won’t hang out with these douche chimps anyway, because your relationship was based on “going out.” A GOOD friend will say something along the lines of, “Whatever you need, I’ll help you.” The day I got off the sauce (October 8, 2003, in case you forgot or stopped caring), my bestest fwend in the whole world, Mike Phirman, said, “Hey! I’ll not drink too if that helps!” My mom cried when I told her that. Had I the capacity for basic human emotions at the time, I might have as well. He never put an expiration date on the offer. He could just not do it. I couldn’t fathom how that was even possible, but those lucky dorks without the alcohol gene can just take it or leave it. It is also worth noting that Mike is a friend who should be bronzed. Maybe not literally, as from his point of view this might not be viewed as a reward, but I know that part of my success in sobriety was because of a guy like Phirman, and if you’re looking to make strides in your sobriety, you NEED friends who are not connected to you through tributaries of booze. But stay away from Phirman. He’s MY friend. Get your own fucking Phirman. Also you should buy his solo comedy album at MikePhirman.com because it is awesome and you deserve at least SOME Phirman in your life.

CHARACTERCIZE

What do you think you might be addicted to?

How much of your life revolves around your finding ways to incorporate this into your life?

Write down the things you do to engage in this behavior.

Some key points if you think you have an addiction:

Decide that you want to deal with it—it will never stick until you do.

Get counseling.

Use vanity for good.

Avoid the substance of choice or any social situation that would take you into your old patterns.

Respect your demon.

Make good (new if necessary) friendships.

Make the daily choice for a better life.

Find a Phirman.

Send me $100,000.

Ignore that last point.

SUCSTRESS

You know what sucks? When things don’t go your way. You know what else sucks? When they actually do. It’s a weird thing, but getting what you want can actually be stressful. I call it “sucstress.” If you put yourself out into the world in a creative way, you’re going to face a lot of rejection. It’s just the nature of the beast. And what you do with that rejection matters. Use it to inspire not to enfeeble (thanks to Merriam-Webster.com