The Nerdist Way_ How to Reach the Next Level (In Real Life) - Chris Hardwick [40]
Things You Might Say during a Sucstress Freak-Out:
1. “OMG. Something terrible HAS to happen now! I’ll just brace for the other shoe to drop.” (See Irish Catholic joke from Chapter 3.)
2. “Is this really OK? I mean really OK? No. People weren’t meant to get what they want!”
3. “Well, it’s only a matter of time before I fuck THIS opportunity in the face.”
4. “I finally got what I wanted!!! But . . . what if something takes it away?? What if I get maimed in a terrible accident??? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
Things You Can Say to Your Brain in Response:
1. “The Universe doesn’t work that way. To the Universe, positive and negative values only matter when referring to particle charge, not human events.”
2. “Yes. It’s foolish to think we exist here to toil in misery.”
3. “That will only be true if you decide to believe that, but it doesn’t have to be.”
4. “The right thing to do is to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Sweat-fruits, I call them, for no reason I can recall. Honor your work as if it were a person you respected.”
You might engage in any of the former thoughts for any or all of the following reasons:
1. You don’t think you deserve nice things.
2. You’re addicted to despair.
3. You’re Catholic.
A horrible thing to do to yourself is to wake up in the middle of the night and imagine all of the horrible things that can take away the good things you have. It plays out in Oscar-worthy, cinematic fashion in your head. For me, it was (and sometimes still is) a movie where I get terminal cancer. Right at the moment where my life is where I want it to be. “WHAT A SHAME,” everyone says. I see myself, curled up and sobbing in a hospital bed—it’s all over. All that’s left is the dying and the greasy feeling of unfairness. The dark parts of my brain direct the action independently of my Will . . . They loop in my mind and swirl like a turbulent weather pattern, increasing in vividness and detail with each new screening, upshifting my heart like a Formula 1 car until I am in full-blown panic mode. Have you ever felt that? I hope you haven’t. But I’ll bet you have.
So what can you do? I’ve found the best way for me to pull out of this aggressive nosedive of awfulness is to not fight to shut the images off, but rather to take control of the direction. Steer the images into something impossible, ridiculous even. The more stupid the better. What I do is (and I’m slightly embarrassed to admit this) to “arborize” myself. I made up that word because I don’t know what else to call it. I go back to the horrible scene in the hospital bed, and I imagine my feet sprouting roots, my hands growing into tree limbs, my body spurting out leaves . . . It’s admittedly weird. Kind of makes me sound like a psychopath to see it in print, but the effect is golden. I’ve taken a scenario that my brain thinks will happen and shifted it into the realm of the impossible. My brain instantly drops the emotional connection it had because it can’t reason such happenings.
If you do it, get as creative as possible. Turn it into a fun thing. Honestly, the weirdest shit you can conjure: break-dancing meerkats, clouds raining penises, people shitting out rainbows—whatever. Just make it weird.
CHARACTERCIZE
Come up with a ridiculous scenario to play during sucstress freak-outs.
THE COMFORT OF REJECTION
Having been socially ostracized since early childhood, most Nerds are very comfortable with rejection. Not that we love it or anything, it’s just that it’s familiar. Not getting rejected is unfamiliar, and we fear the unknown. It’s a dumb survival thing. Your short-term-planning lizard almonds will ALWAYS SEEK OUT COMFORT. They want to please you in every