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Trainer Tom also taught me the value of goal specificity. Yes, yes, we all want throbbing guns and rock-hard abs if every issue of Men’s Health Magazine is to be believed. A shredded eight-pack is a difficult goal to achieve, and equally difficult to maintain. It’s not impossible, but if you’re committed to a life of decent fitness, your long-term sights should instead be set on having a high quality of life. The first thing Tom said to me when we started working out together was this: “No matter what, I always want you to leave feeling better than when you arrived.” What? No ’roid-induced aggression? No screaming? No nitro-powered cock punching??? “Nope. I’m going to teach you how to hug your body.” Good! I think it’s tired of being dietarily and sexually abused by me. I am willing to stop ONE of those things.

And this simple philosophy, “Always leave feeling better,” is a slight twist on traditional exercise regimens that has helped me go from a ropey guy with no flexibility and a bad back to a guy who’s in pretty dang good shape with no back problems. When your specific pursuit is feeling better, you usually FEEL BETTER. This is addictive. I began to seek out other ways to feel better: regular massages, yoga, eating better, stretching. The results are similar to having a hard-core man-goal. The exercise does get me into better shape, I just don’t get hurt in the process. When working out, it’s good to test your limits. Remember, the things you learn in your workout space you will take with you into the world. Sometimes this means going past where you thought you could go. This does NOT mean pushing through body pain. Your body has a very loud voice when injury is afoot. LISTEN to it and don’t try to be a brainless Hulk. The Hulk, at his core, is really just a personified erection. Regardless, he has an infinitely dense molecular structure thanks to an accidental overdose of gamma radiation. You are a breakable person.

When I walk into Apartment Dojo, the first question I get from Trainer Tom is “One to ten. How do you feel?” Based on my honest assessment, we work out accordingly. Some days that means high-intensity moving and weights, other days I feel like punching so we break out the gloves and pads. (Yes! I kind of know how to box now. Notice that is distinctly different from knowing how to FIGHT. If I’m in a bar and someone shoves me and then holds up two pads, I could hit them. All day long. If they start swinging at me, however, there would be a lot of crying and fear-pee.) Some days, if I’ve been traveling a lot and my body is tight, we just stretch. And I leave feeling better than when I arrived.

BTW, I cannot emphasize to you ENOUGH the benefits of stretching. Honestly, if you do nothing else in your life, regularly getting blood to your extremities and loosening your musculoskeletal system by even fifteen minutes of stretching in the morning and at night will do you wonders in this life. It not only improves flexibility, which will help prevent injury, but it also gets blood to your muscles. You know how you do that bear-growly “yeeeeARRRRRRRRRRRG” stretch when you first wake up? That’s your body instinctively forcing blood to your extremities. Oh sure, an elderly existence of being gnarled up and hardened by years of atrophy and stiffening SOUNDS like a rad plan, but I’m sure it is not. Here are some examples below, provided by Simon the Workout Bear:

Important Stretch Points!

• Do it slowly.

• Don’t rock your body to stretch more.

• Be gentle.

• If it hurts, stop; don’t try to stretch through pain.

More stretches can be found at NerdistWay.com/Stretches.

“. . . AND NOW A WARNING??!!”

I love the Zemeckis film Death Becomes Her. The second after Meryl Streep downs the eternal youth potion, Isabella Rossellini says, “And now, a warning . . .” Streep flawlessly shoots back, “ . . . and NOW a warning??!” It’s funnier to watch than to read, I know. Still, I feel compelled (mostly by our litigious American society) to disclaim the following section