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By Root 613 0

like you’re looking particularly bloaty, you are either a sentient walrus or consuming too much salt. When you’re choosing what to eat, think logically about what purpose the dominant ingredient will serve in your body. Eating sugary stuff will fill you up, but the calories are empty. In other words, they have no redeeming nutrient value and will do little more than just cling to fat, like little adipose monkeys. This will slow down fat burning, which is the OPPOSITE of what you want.

■ Reduce or eliminate complex/starchy carbs.

The word “carbs” is as bad as the word “fuck” to some people, particularly in our weird half-assed-version-of-the-Atkin’s-Diet-obsessed society. In truth, carbs are the fuel that your body needs to exert energy. This is very simple:

CARBS = ENERGY & PROTEIN = MUSCLE

If you have trouble remembering this four-word formula, just use another delightful mnemonic: Can Everyone Pee More? C-E P-M (Carbs-Energy Protein-Muscle).

The KIND of carbs you ingest is another matter. White rice, bread, pasta, and potatoes are all assholes you should try to avoid. If you have to eat one of those, rice is the most acceptable, but brown rice even more so. Remember that unburned carbs will be stored as fat, so try to eat those before 4 p.m. (if you go to bed at a reasonable hour) so that your body has time to burn them off. Friendly carbs, according to goodcarbs.org, “are unprocessed carbohydrates in their natural state—or very close to their natural state.” Green vegetables, leafy vegetables, beans, legumes (peas, beans, pod fruit—“legume” is a dumb-sounding word that comes from the Latin legere, to gather; as in, these foods were commonly “gathered” by our ancestors). Years ago, I tried an all-protein diet. I felt lethargic and my stomach hurt. This was remedied when I started eating good carbs along with the protein. If you are GOING to eat starchy carbs, then do it earlier in the day so you have a better chance of metabolizing them. And make sure to eat water-rich foods like vegetables later in the day for shitsake!

■ We must all take in “good fat” (there is a difference).

GOOD FAT: Monounsaturated—nuts, avocado, olive oil

BAD FAT: Saturated—coconut oil, palm oil

GOOD FAT: Polyunsaturated—salmon, fish oil, safflower, omega-3s

BAD FAT: Trans—hydrogenated, packaged foods, fast food, vegetable shortening

GOOD FAT: Albert

BAD FAT: Jabba the Hutt

■ Keep caloric intake up.

While it’s true that to lose pounds it’s better to cut your caloric intake than just your bad fat intake, but eating better doesn’t mean starving yourself. When your body goes into hunger mode, it is inclined to store fat. To the protohumans, hunger meant delicious tubers were scarce and the body needed to hold on to as many nutrients as possible until more could be found. Truthfully, if you’re eating properly you should never feel hungry. If you feel sick to your stomach and zombielike, you’re not eating enough of the right foods. ESPECIALLY if you work out. In this case, you’re attempting to burn even more so you have to keep the fire extra stoked. Eventually, going on a hunger strike diet will take off weight, but it will also take off valuable things like muscle, good fat, and your will to live.

■ You truly “are what you eat.”

Here’s a good basic rule of thumb: look at your food’s physical attributes. Bread, cake, and pasta are doughy, fluffy, and squishy and they will express themselves on your person thusly. Fortunately, fish, chicken breasts, and apples are lean and firm with tight skin. These are more of the qualities you might be seeking. They look healthy because they ARE, and they will pass those savings onto YOU, the Consumer!!!

■ One glass of alcohol ∙ one glass of water.

For every boozy drink you have, have a water. If I had done this while I was drinking, I might have died from overhydration. If you drink like a normal person, this shouldn’t be a problem.

■ Try to take in protein, carbs, and fat at at least two meals a day.

Protein builds muscle! It also boosts your metabolism,