The Old Bachelor [24]
Your passion, madam, will admit of no farther reasoning; but here's a silent witness of your acquaintance. [Takes our the letter, and offers it: she snatches it, and throws it away.]
ARAM. There's poison in everything you touch. Blisters will follow -
VAIN. That tongue, which denies what the hands have done.
ARAM. Still mystically senseless and impudent; I find I must leave the place.
VAIN. No, madam, I'm gone. She knows her name's to it, which she will be unwilling to expose to the censure of the first finder.
ARAM. Woman's obstinacy made me blind to what woman's curiosity now tempts me to see. [Takes up the letter.]
SCENE XIII.
BELINDA, SHARPER.
BELIN. Nay, we have spared nobody, I swear. Mr. Sharper, you're a pure man; where did you get this excellent talent of railing?
SHARP. Faith, madam, the talent was born with me:--I confess I have taken care to improve it, to qualify me for the society of ladies.
BELIN. Nay, sure, railing is the best qualification in a woman's man.
SCENE XIV.
[To them] FOOTMAN.
SHARP. The second best, indeed, I think.
BELIN. How now, Pace? Where's my cousin?
FOOT. She's not very well, madam, and has sent to know if your ladyship would have the coach come again for you?
BELIN. O Lord, no, I'll go along with her. Come, Mr. Sharper.
SCENE XV.
SCENE: A chamber in Fondlewife's house.
LAETITIA and BELLMOUR, his cloak, hat, etc., lying loose about the chamber.
BELL. Here's nobody, nor no noise--'twas nothing but your fears.
LAET. I durst have sworn I had heard my monster's voice. I swear I was heartily frightened; feel how my heart beats.
BELL. 'Tis an alarm to love--come in again, and let us -
FOND. [Without.] Cocky, Cocky, where are you, Cocky? I'm come home.
LAET. Ah! There he is. Make haste, gather up your things.
FOND. Cocky, Cocky, open the door.
BELL. Pox choke him, would his horns were in his throat. My patch, my patch. [Looking about, and gathering up his things.]
LAET. My jewel, art thou there?--No matter for your patch.--You s'an't tum in, Nykin--run into my chamber, quickly, quickly--You s'an't tum in.
FOND. Nay, prithee, dear, i'feck I'm in haste.
LAET. Then I'll let you in. [Opens the door.]
SCENE XVI.
LAETITIA, FONDLEWIFE, SIR JOSEPH.
FOND. Kiss, dear--I met the master of the ship by the way, and I must have my papers of accounts out of your cabinet.
LAET. Oh, I'm undone! [Aside.]
SIR JO. Pray, first let me have fifty pound, good Alderman, for I'm in haste.
FOND. A hundred has already been paid by your order. Fifty? I have the sum ready in gold in my closet.
SCENE XVII.
LAETITIA, SIR JOSEPH.
SIR JO. Agad, it's a curious, fine, pretty rogue; I'll speak to her.--Pray, Madam, what news d'ye hear?
LAET. Sir, I seldom stir abroad. [Walks about in disorder.]
SIR JO. I wonder at that, Madam, for 'tis most curious fine weather.
LAET. Methinks 't has been very ill weather.
SIR JO. As you say, madam, 'tis pretty bad weather, and has been so a great while.
SCENE XVIII.
[To them] FONDLEWIFE.
FOND. Here are fifty pieces in this purse, Sir Joseph; if you will tarry a moment, till I fetch my papers, I'll wait upon you down- stairs.
LAET. Ruined, past redemption! what shall I do--ha! this fool may be of use. (Aside.) [As FONDLEWIFE is going into the chamber, she runs to SIR JOSEPH, almost pushes him down, and cries out.] Stand off, rude ruffian. Help me, my dear. O bless me! Why will you leave me alone with such a Satyr?
FOND. Bless us! What's the matter? What's the matter?
LAET. Your back was no sooner turned, but like a lion he came open mouthed upon me, and would have ravished a kiss from me by main force.
SIR JO. O Lord! Oh, terrible! Ha, ha, ha. Is your wife mad, Alderman?
LAET. Oh! I'm sick with the fright; won't you take him out of my sight?
FOND. O traitor! I'm astonished. O bloody-minded traitor!
SIR JO. Hey-day! Traitor yourself. By the Lord
ARAM. There's poison in everything you touch. Blisters will follow -
VAIN. That tongue, which denies what the hands have done.
ARAM. Still mystically senseless and impudent; I find I must leave the place.
VAIN. No, madam, I'm gone. She knows her name's to it, which she will be unwilling to expose to the censure of the first finder.
ARAM. Woman's obstinacy made me blind to what woman's curiosity now tempts me to see. [Takes up the letter.]
SCENE XIII.
BELINDA, SHARPER.
BELIN. Nay, we have spared nobody, I swear. Mr. Sharper, you're a pure man; where did you get this excellent talent of railing?
SHARP. Faith, madam, the talent was born with me:--I confess I have taken care to improve it, to qualify me for the society of ladies.
BELIN. Nay, sure, railing is the best qualification in a woman's man.
SCENE XIV.
[To them] FOOTMAN.
SHARP. The second best, indeed, I think.
BELIN. How now, Pace? Where's my cousin?
FOOT. She's not very well, madam, and has sent to know if your ladyship would have the coach come again for you?
BELIN. O Lord, no, I'll go along with her. Come, Mr. Sharper.
SCENE XV.
SCENE: A chamber in Fondlewife's house.
LAETITIA and BELLMOUR, his cloak, hat, etc., lying loose about the chamber.
BELL. Here's nobody, nor no noise--'twas nothing but your fears.
LAET. I durst have sworn I had heard my monster's voice. I swear I was heartily frightened; feel how my heart beats.
BELL. 'Tis an alarm to love--come in again, and let us -
FOND. [Without.] Cocky, Cocky, where are you, Cocky? I'm come home.
LAET. Ah! There he is. Make haste, gather up your things.
FOND. Cocky, Cocky, open the door.
BELL. Pox choke him, would his horns were in his throat. My patch, my patch. [Looking about, and gathering up his things.]
LAET. My jewel, art thou there?--No matter for your patch.--You s'an't tum in, Nykin--run into my chamber, quickly, quickly--You s'an't tum in.
FOND. Nay, prithee, dear, i'feck I'm in haste.
LAET. Then I'll let you in. [Opens the door.]
SCENE XVI.
LAETITIA, FONDLEWIFE, SIR JOSEPH.
FOND. Kiss, dear--I met the master of the ship by the way, and I must have my papers of accounts out of your cabinet.
LAET. Oh, I'm undone! [Aside.]
SIR JO. Pray, first let me have fifty pound, good Alderman, for I'm in haste.
FOND. A hundred has already been paid by your order. Fifty? I have the sum ready in gold in my closet.
SCENE XVII.
LAETITIA, SIR JOSEPH.
SIR JO. Agad, it's a curious, fine, pretty rogue; I'll speak to her.--Pray, Madam, what news d'ye hear?
LAET. Sir, I seldom stir abroad. [Walks about in disorder.]
SIR JO. I wonder at that, Madam, for 'tis most curious fine weather.
LAET. Methinks 't has been very ill weather.
SIR JO. As you say, madam, 'tis pretty bad weather, and has been so a great while.
SCENE XVIII.
[To them] FONDLEWIFE.
FOND. Here are fifty pieces in this purse, Sir Joseph; if you will tarry a moment, till I fetch my papers, I'll wait upon you down- stairs.
LAET. Ruined, past redemption! what shall I do--ha! this fool may be of use. (Aside.) [As FONDLEWIFE is going into the chamber, she runs to SIR JOSEPH, almost pushes him down, and cries out.] Stand off, rude ruffian. Help me, my dear. O bless me! Why will you leave me alone with such a Satyr?
FOND. Bless us! What's the matter? What's the matter?
LAET. Your back was no sooner turned, but like a lion he came open mouthed upon me, and would have ravished a kiss from me by main force.
SIR JO. O Lord! Oh, terrible! Ha, ha, ha. Is your wife mad, Alderman?
LAET. Oh! I'm sick with the fright; won't you take him out of my sight?
FOND. O traitor! I'm astonished. O bloody-minded traitor!
SIR JO. Hey-day! Traitor yourself. By the Lord