The Old Bachelor [25]
Harry, I was in most danger of being ravished, if you go to that.
FOND. Oh, how the blasphemous wretch swears! Out of my house, thou son of the whore of Babylon; offspring of Bel and the Dragon.- -Bless us! ravish my wife! my Dinah! Oh, Shechemite! Begone, I say.
SIR JO. Why, the devil's in the people, I think.
SCENE XIX.
LAETITIA, FONDLEWIFE
LAET. Oh! won't you follow, and see him out of doors, my dear?
FOND. I'll shut this door to secure him from coming back--Give me the key of your cabinet, Cocky. Ravish my wife before my face? I warrant he's a Papist in his heart at least, if not a Frenchman.
LAET. What can I do now! (Aside.) Oh! my dear, I have been in such a fright, that I forgot to tell you, poor Mr. Spintext has a sad fit of the colic, and is forced to lie down upon our bed-- you'll disturb him; I can tread softlier.
FOND. Alack, poor man--no, no--you don't know the papers--I won't disturb him; give me the key. [She gives him the key, goes to the chamber door and speaks aloud.]
LAET. 'Tis nobody but Mr. Fondlewife, Mr. Spintext, lie still on your stomach; lying on your stomach will ease you of the colic.
FOND. Ay, ay, lie still, lie still; don't let me disturb you.
SCENE XX.
LAETITIA alone.
LAET. Sure, when he does not see his face, he won't discover him. Dear fortune, help me but this once, and I'll never run in thy debt again. But this opportunity is the Devil.
SCENE XXI.
FONDLEWIFE returns with Papers.
FOND. Good lack! good lack! I profess the poor man is in great torment; he lies as flat--Dear, you should heat a trencher, or a napkin.--Where's Deborah? Let her clap some warm thing to his stomach, or chafe it with a warm hand rather than fail. What book's this? [Sees the book that BELLMOUR forgot.]
LAET. Mr. Spintext's prayer-book, dear. Pray Heaven it be a prayer-book. [Aside.]
FOND. Good man! I warrant he dropped it on purpose that you might take it up and read some of the pious ejaculations. [Taking up the book.] O bless me! O monstrous! A prayer-book? Ay, this is the devil's paternoster. Hold, let me see: The Innocent Adultery.
LAET. Misfortune! now all's ruined again. [Aside.]
BELL. [Peeping]. Damned chance! If I had gone a-whoring with the Practice of Piety in my pocket I had never been discovered.
FOND. Adultery, and innocent! O Lord! Here's doctrine! Ay, here's discipline!
LAET. Dear husband, I'm amazed. Sure it is a good book, and only tends to the speculation of sin.
FOND. Speculation! No no; something went farther than speculation when I was not to be let in.--Where is this apocryphal elder? I'll ferret him.
LAET. I'm so distracted, I can't think of a lie. [Aside.]
SCENE XXII.
LAETITIA and FONDLEWIFE haling out BELLMOUR.
FOND. Come out here, thou Ananias incarnate. Who, how now! Who have we here?
LAET. Ha! [Shrieks as surprised.]
FOND. Oh thou salacious woman! Am I then brutified? Ay, I feel it here; I sprout, I bud, I blossom, I am ripe-horn-mad. But who in the devil's name are you? Mercy on me for swearing. But -
LAET. Oh! goodness keep us! Who are you? What are you?
BELL. Soh!
LAET. In the name of the--O! Good, my dear, don't come near it; I'm afraid 'tis the devil; indeed, it has hoofs, dear.
FOND. Indeed, and I have horns, dear. The devil, no, I am afraid 'tis the flesh, thou harlot. Dear, with the pox. Come Syren, speak, confess, who is this reverend, brawny pastor.
LAET. Indeed, and indeed now, my dear Nykin, I never saw this wicked man before.
FOND. Oh, it is a man then, it seems.
LAET. Rather, sure it is a wolf in the clothing of a sheep.
FOND. Thou art a devil in his proper clothing--woman's flesh. What, you know nothing of him, but his fleece here! You don't love mutton? you Magdalen unconverted.
BELL. Well, now, I know my cue.--That is, very honourably to excuse her, and very impudently accuse myself. [Aside.]
LAET. Why then, I wish I may never enter into the heaven of your embraces
FOND. Oh, how the blasphemous wretch swears! Out of my house, thou son of the whore of Babylon; offspring of Bel and the Dragon.- -Bless us! ravish my wife! my Dinah! Oh, Shechemite! Begone, I say.
SIR JO. Why, the devil's in the people, I think.
SCENE XIX.
LAETITIA, FONDLEWIFE
LAET. Oh! won't you follow, and see him out of doors, my dear?
FOND. I'll shut this door to secure him from coming back--Give me the key of your cabinet, Cocky. Ravish my wife before my face? I warrant he's a Papist in his heart at least, if not a Frenchman.
LAET. What can I do now! (Aside.) Oh! my dear, I have been in such a fright, that I forgot to tell you, poor Mr. Spintext has a sad fit of the colic, and is forced to lie down upon our bed-- you'll disturb him; I can tread softlier.
FOND. Alack, poor man--no, no--you don't know the papers--I won't disturb him; give me the key. [She gives him the key, goes to the chamber door and speaks aloud.]
LAET. 'Tis nobody but Mr. Fondlewife, Mr. Spintext, lie still on your stomach; lying on your stomach will ease you of the colic.
FOND. Ay, ay, lie still, lie still; don't let me disturb you.
SCENE XX.
LAETITIA alone.
LAET. Sure, when he does not see his face, he won't discover him. Dear fortune, help me but this once, and I'll never run in thy debt again. But this opportunity is the Devil.
SCENE XXI.
FONDLEWIFE returns with Papers.
FOND. Good lack! good lack! I profess the poor man is in great torment; he lies as flat--Dear, you should heat a trencher, or a napkin.--Where's Deborah? Let her clap some warm thing to his stomach, or chafe it with a warm hand rather than fail. What book's this? [Sees the book that BELLMOUR forgot.]
LAET. Mr. Spintext's prayer-book, dear. Pray Heaven it be a prayer-book. [Aside.]
FOND. Good man! I warrant he dropped it on purpose that you might take it up and read some of the pious ejaculations. [Taking up the book.] O bless me! O monstrous! A prayer-book? Ay, this is the devil's paternoster. Hold, let me see: The Innocent Adultery.
LAET. Misfortune! now all's ruined again. [Aside.]
BELL. [Peeping]. Damned chance! If I had gone a-whoring with the Practice of Piety in my pocket I had never been discovered.
FOND. Adultery, and innocent! O Lord! Here's doctrine! Ay, here's discipline!
LAET. Dear husband, I'm amazed. Sure it is a good book, and only tends to the speculation of sin.
FOND. Speculation! No no; something went farther than speculation when I was not to be let in.--Where is this apocryphal elder? I'll ferret him.
LAET. I'm so distracted, I can't think of a lie. [Aside.]
SCENE XXII.
LAETITIA and FONDLEWIFE haling out BELLMOUR.
FOND. Come out here, thou Ananias incarnate. Who, how now! Who have we here?
LAET. Ha! [Shrieks as surprised.]
FOND. Oh thou salacious woman! Am I then brutified? Ay, I feel it here; I sprout, I bud, I blossom, I am ripe-horn-mad. But who in the devil's name are you? Mercy on me for swearing. But -
LAET. Oh! goodness keep us! Who are you? What are you?
BELL. Soh!
LAET. In the name of the--O! Good, my dear, don't come near it; I'm afraid 'tis the devil; indeed, it has hoofs, dear.
FOND. Indeed, and I have horns, dear. The devil, no, I am afraid 'tis the flesh, thou harlot. Dear, with the pox. Come Syren, speak, confess, who is this reverend, brawny pastor.
LAET. Indeed, and indeed now, my dear Nykin, I never saw this wicked man before.
FOND. Oh, it is a man then, it seems.
LAET. Rather, sure it is a wolf in the clothing of a sheep.
FOND. Thou art a devil in his proper clothing--woman's flesh. What, you know nothing of him, but his fleece here! You don't love mutton? you Magdalen unconverted.
BELL. Well, now, I know my cue.--That is, very honourably to excuse her, and very impudently accuse myself. [Aside.]
LAET. Why then, I wish I may never enter into the heaven of your embraces