The Old Bachelor [30]
i'faith, Mr. Setter. Nay, I'll take you at your word. [Chinking a purse.]
SET. Sir Joseph and the captain, too! undone! undone! I'm undone, my master's undone, my lady's undone, and all the business is undone.
SIR JO. No, no; never fear, man; the lady's business shall be done. What, come, Mr. Setter, I have overheard all, and to speak is but loss of time; but if there be occasion, let these worthy gentlemen intercede for me. [Gives him gold.]
SET. O lord, sir, what d'ye mean? Corrupt my honesty? They have indeed very persuading faces. But -
SIR JO. 'Tis too little, there's more, man. There, take all. Now -
SET. Well, Sir Joseph, you have such a winning way with you -
SIR JO. And how, and how, good Setter, did the little rogue look when she talked of Sir Joseph? Did not her eyes twinkle and her mouth water? Did not she pull up her little bubbies? And--agad, I'm so overjoyed--And stroke down her belly? and then step aside to tie her garter when she was thinking of her love? Heh, Setter!
SET. Oh, yes, sir.
SIR JO. How now, bully? What, melancholy because I'm in the lady's favour? No matter, I'll make your peace: I know they were a little smart upon you. But I warrant I'll bring you into the lady's good graces.
BLUFF. Pshaw, I have petitions to show from other-guess toys than she. Look here; these were sent me this morning. There, read. [Shows letters]. That--that's a scrawl of quality. Here, here's from a countess too. Hum--No, hold--that's from a knight's wife-- she sent it me by her husband. But here, both these are from persons of great quality.
SIR JO. They are either from persons of great quality, or no quality at all, 'tis such a damned ugly hand. [While SIR JOSEPH reads, BLUFFE whispers SETTER.]
SET. Captain, I would do anything to serve you; but this is so difficult.
BLUFF. Not at all. Don't I know him?
SET. You'll remember the conditions?
BLUFF. I'll give it you under my hand. In the meantime, here's earnest. [Gives him money.] Come, knight, I'm capitulating with Mr. Setter for you.
SIR JO. Ah, honest Setter; sirrah, I'll give thee anything but a night's lodging.
SCENE VIII.
SHARPER tugging in HEARTWELL.
SHARP. Nay, prithee leave railing, and come along with me. May be she mayn't be within. 'Tis but to yond corner-house.
HEART. Whither? Whither? Which corner-house.
SHARP. Why, there: the two white posts.
HEART. And who would you visit there, say you? (O'ons, how my heart aches.)
SHARP. Pshaw, thou'rt so troublesome and inquisitive. My, I'll tell you; 'tis a young creature that Vainlove debauched and has forsaken. Did you never hear Bellmour chide him about Sylvia?
HEART. Death, and hell, and marriage! My wife! [Aside.]
SHARP. Why, thou art as musty as a new-married man that had found his wife knowing the first night.
HEART. Hell, and the Devil! Does he know it? But, hold; if he should not, I were a fool to discover it. I'll dissemble, and try him. [Aside.] Ha, ha, ha. Why, Tom, is that such an occasion of melancholy? Is it such an uncommon mischief?
SHARP. No, faith; I believe not. Few women but have their year of probation before they are cloistered in the narrow joys of wedlock. But, prithee, come along with me or I'll go and have the lady to myself. B'w'y George. [Going.]
HEART. O torture! How he racks and tears me! Death! Shall I own my shame or wittingly let him go and whore my wife? No, that's insupportable. O Sharper!
SHARP. How now?
HEART. Oh, I am married.
SHARP. (Now hold, spleen.) Married!
HEART. Certainly, irrecoverably married.
SHARP. Heaven forbid, man! How long?
HEART. Oh, an age, an age! I have been married these two hours.
SHARP. My old bachelor married! That were a jest. Ha, ha, ha.
HEART. Death! D'ye mock me? Hark ye, if either you esteem my friendship, or your own safety--come not near that house--that corner-house--that hot brothel. Ask no questions.
SHARP. Mad, by this light.
Thus grief
SET. Sir Joseph and the captain, too! undone! undone! I'm undone, my master's undone, my lady's undone, and all the business is undone.
SIR JO. No, no; never fear, man; the lady's business shall be done. What, come, Mr. Setter, I have overheard all, and to speak is but loss of time; but if there be occasion, let these worthy gentlemen intercede for me. [Gives him gold.]
SET. O lord, sir, what d'ye mean? Corrupt my honesty? They have indeed very persuading faces. But -
SIR JO. 'Tis too little, there's more, man. There, take all. Now -
SET. Well, Sir Joseph, you have such a winning way with you -
SIR JO. And how, and how, good Setter, did the little rogue look when she talked of Sir Joseph? Did not her eyes twinkle and her mouth water? Did not she pull up her little bubbies? And--agad, I'm so overjoyed--And stroke down her belly? and then step aside to tie her garter when she was thinking of her love? Heh, Setter!
SET. Oh, yes, sir.
SIR JO. How now, bully? What, melancholy because I'm in the lady's favour? No matter, I'll make your peace: I know they were a little smart upon you. But I warrant I'll bring you into the lady's good graces.
BLUFF. Pshaw, I have petitions to show from other-guess toys than she. Look here; these were sent me this morning. There, read. [Shows letters]. That--that's a scrawl of quality. Here, here's from a countess too. Hum--No, hold--that's from a knight's wife-- she sent it me by her husband. But here, both these are from persons of great quality.
SIR JO. They are either from persons of great quality, or no quality at all, 'tis such a damned ugly hand. [While SIR JOSEPH reads, BLUFFE whispers SETTER.]
SET. Captain, I would do anything to serve you; but this is so difficult.
BLUFF. Not at all. Don't I know him?
SET. You'll remember the conditions?
BLUFF. I'll give it you under my hand. In the meantime, here's earnest. [Gives him money.] Come, knight, I'm capitulating with Mr. Setter for you.
SIR JO. Ah, honest Setter; sirrah, I'll give thee anything but a night's lodging.
SCENE VIII.
SHARPER tugging in HEARTWELL.
SHARP. Nay, prithee leave railing, and come along with me. May be she mayn't be within. 'Tis but to yond corner-house.
HEART. Whither? Whither? Which corner-house.
SHARP. Why, there: the two white posts.
HEART. And who would you visit there, say you? (O'ons, how my heart aches.)
SHARP. Pshaw, thou'rt so troublesome and inquisitive. My, I'll tell you; 'tis a young creature that Vainlove debauched and has forsaken. Did you never hear Bellmour chide him about Sylvia?
HEART. Death, and hell, and marriage! My wife! [Aside.]
SHARP. Why, thou art as musty as a new-married man that had found his wife knowing the first night.
HEART. Hell, and the Devil! Does he know it? But, hold; if he should not, I were a fool to discover it. I'll dissemble, and try him. [Aside.] Ha, ha, ha. Why, Tom, is that such an occasion of melancholy? Is it such an uncommon mischief?
SHARP. No, faith; I believe not. Few women but have their year of probation before they are cloistered in the narrow joys of wedlock. But, prithee, come along with me or I'll go and have the lady to myself. B'w'y George. [Going.]
HEART. O torture! How he racks and tears me! Death! Shall I own my shame or wittingly let him go and whore my wife? No, that's insupportable. O Sharper!
SHARP. How now?
HEART. Oh, I am married.
SHARP. (Now hold, spleen.) Married!
HEART. Certainly, irrecoverably married.
SHARP. Heaven forbid, man! How long?
HEART. Oh, an age, an age! I have been married these two hours.
SHARP. My old bachelor married! That were a jest. Ha, ha, ha.
HEART. Death! D'ye mock me? Hark ye, if either you esteem my friendship, or your own safety--come not near that house--that corner-house--that hot brothel. Ask no questions.
SHARP. Mad, by this light.
Thus grief