The Psychology of Dexter - Bella DePaulo [71]
In some families, however, that basic goal is skewed and the meeting of parental needs becomes of primary importance for the family. These families are called narcissistic families. The term, coined by therapists and authors Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman in their text The Narcissistic Family, Diagnosis and Treatment, was derived from the mythological legend of Narcissus and Echo. As the story goes, Narcissus loved himself to the exclusion of others. Echo loved him, but could not profess it; she had lost her own voice and was able only to parrot the words of others. Distraught, she followed Narcissus for some time, hoping to hear him speak affectionate words that she could finally say to him. Then one day it happened. Admiring his reflection in a pool, Narcissus exclaimed to himself, “I love you!” Echo, elated, repeated the words, but they were lost on his inattentive ears. Eventually both died—Narcissus from the self-love that kept him attached to his reflection, and Echo from unrequited affection.
The story, the authors relate, can be seen as a metaphor for the parent-child relationships observed in narcissistic families. The parents, like Narcissus, are too self-absorbed to anticipate, acknowledge, or react to the needs of their children. In turn, the children, like Echo, are forced to meet their own needs for love and attention by reacting to the whims of their parents. In this way, the children’s emotional needs can go unattended and they are deprived of the opportunity to experience gradual independence and learn about themselves. Instead, they wait to see what their parents expect and then react, negatively or positively, to those expectations. Consequently, the children become a reflection of their parents’ expectations and are deprived of the opportunity to be themselves.
The tendency toward reacting and reflecting follows children of narcissistic families into adulthood, where they continue to react to the needs and reflect the expectations of others rather than realizing and attending to their own. Eventually these individuals become distressed by this situation and are likely to become angry. Most of the time their anger is not readily apparent. Instead it lies just below the surface, barely concealed by their tendency to please others. Occasionally, however, it breaks through, erupting sometimes even over trivial matters.
Dedicated Dexter fans might recognize these characteristics in their unlikely hero, blood spatter analyst and part-time serial killer Dexter Morgan, who even as an adult lives his life strictly by Harry’s Code, and his detective sister Debra, who chose her father’s career as her own. Could their personal struggles and wavering sense of self-identities be attributed to a narcissistic family of origin?
Personality and Behavioral Traits of Adult Children of Narcissistic Families
Adult children of narcissistic families tend to have a similar set of behavioral and personality traits, touched on above, that clue their therapists into their dysfunctional upbringing. Thesecharacteristics plague the individual’s psychological and emotional well-being, interpersonal and romantic relationships, and work life. Psychologically, they are distressed by their own pervasive desire to please others, chronic need to seek external validation, and difficulty identifying their own feelings, wants, and needs. They are also likely to suffer from strong feelings of hidden anger. Depression, chronic dissatisfaction, indecisiveness, and poorself-confidence are also common. Interpersonally, these individuals traditionally display difficulty trusting others, a trait that is sometimes broken by periods of vulnerability