The Riddle of Gender - Deborah Rudacille [105]
Q: How wouldyou define whereyou are now?
I fully recognize that I am not born male. I did not have that experience. I never will. I am transgendered. I am a transman. I live in the world as male, and that’s fine. But I still feel sort of like a spy. I’m not like everybody else.
Q: Because you’ve lived in both worlds, lived as both a woman and a man? Yeah, and I’m still struggling with a lot of things that come with being male. Like being perceived as a threat. I can’t talk to kids, and women are like this. [Holds his hands far apart] I’m really sad about the whole distance between women and me. I understand why that’s there, but I would never hurt a woman.
Q: What are some of the other liabilities of being a man?
Back hair. [Laughs] I’m not really sure I’m happy about that.
But I love Halloween and there’s a whole bunch of children in the neighborhood. And I just love it when the kids come, but now when they come I have to take Marianne to the door with me. Because the parents are like, “Ooh, this middle-aged white guy standing there with his candy.” It’s really upsetting to me. And I have to learn how to use my voice. My voice has gotten really deep, and I need to sort of sound like [softens it] so I don’t sound threatening. I’m not a tall person, but I’m kind of a big guy. Which brings up a whole other area. If you are a big woman … people used to yell at me stuff like “fat bitch, fat dyke.” Big is bad if you are female; big is good if you are male. Now I just go to the Big ‘n’ Tall, and they’re like, “Big Tom is coming!” [Laughs]
It’s a lot to negotiate. It’s a lot to try to have these hormonal changes and the body changes and then try to figure out, “Now how do I be a man?”
Q: How important is it to you to have a penis?
It’s really important to me, but I’m never going to have enough money to have that operation [phalloplasty]. I don’t really want to mess with my body like that. It doesn’t really go well; it doesn’t work. They can’t do those hydraulics. I would rather keep what function I have. I’m sort of half and half now. My body is … I’m a different kind of a thing, a new thing, and that’s okay. A lot of guys find it incredibly important [to undergo phalloplasty] and I honor that. If they need to do that, I think they should do it. But I’m never going to have that much money and …
Q: And for you it doesn’t seem to define your manhood?”
No, it doesn’t define my manhood. If they could just snap their fingers and give me one that works, I’d say okay. I don’t want to diminish the importance of it. … I just don’t feel like it right now. Now, I know some guys change their minds; you can change your mind sometimes as you go through this process. Some guy asked me about it one time, and I’m like, “Okay, all of the men in the room, let’s just get up there and line it up by how big it is. Come on, you guys, let’s go.” I mean, it’s ridiculous.
Q: Do women relate differently to you as a man?’
Yes, yes. It really surprised me. Women will touch me, and I’m like, “I can’t believe they’re doing that. Wow. They’re being nice.” They talk to me, play around with me. I love women. I really do. We were just having a discussion about that last night. That is really one of the wonderful things, that I can really enjoy women in a way that I never could before. Because I’m not like them. My body is not like that. Before it was really sexually difficult. Because I didn’t want people to see me naked. It was just really hard.
Q: In your experience, is there a difference between male and female sexuality?
It’s really hard to make generalizations, but testosterone is incredible stuff, incredibly powerful. I’m so much more visual now. I understand why there’s Playboy and porno. I never got that. I always liked women, I liked the way they looked, but I never… it’s not like I wanted to watch