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By Root 2055 0

[pornographic] movies or anything. Now, the thing that’s really distressing to me is how much women’s bodies are used to sell things. I knew it intellectually. I was a feminist. But now I know it at this visceral level, and I am just appalled. It’s like there are these receptors in your body, there are estrogen receptors and there are testosterone receptors. Your testosterone receptors just aren’t working right now. You have them, but they are just not working. But mine all got activated. I remember about three years ago—I remember this so clearly—I was walking downtown, and this woman had like a dark gray sort of tank top on, and she was walking down the street and her breasts were just kind of jiggling. And I’m like, “Oh my god!” If I had a penis, I would have had an erection. So I have that now, I have those physical reactions. Like, I’m watching the Soul Train Awards, and those women have, like, no clothes on, and I think I must be old or something because I’m thinking, “These children should not be going around like that.” I think that women must have a clue, because women have used this to control us for a long time, and mostly I’m really happy about it. I mean, Marianne can control me with that. I’m happy, okay, honey.

Q: Perhaps that’s the reason that women lose power as they get older, while men gain power.

Yes, and you don’t even have to be an attractive man! You just need to be an old man, just an ugly old guy. It’s the whole thing about not having to worry about your appearance. For women, falling in love, and attraction, is about your mind and your heart. But I picked Marianne because … I probably wouldn’t have talked to her if I hadn’t been physically attracted to her. We’re all like that, but men sort of take it to an art. I buy her a lot of things I want to see her wearing, and she lets me do it.

Q: Did you not do that kind ofthing in your old life?”

I kind of did, but it’s not the same as it is now. I mean, I liked feminine women always … but it’s a different thing now. It’s like I’m watching movies now that I never really watched before.

Q: Like action adventure, or shoot- ‘em-ups?

Oh, yeah! Actually, that’s really interesting, because the action adventure movies get to me now in a different way they didn’t before. It’s like, “Oh yeah, great, blow something else up.” It’s not like I want to see people killed; it’s not like that. It’s like, “Blow that up, make that car really fast.” It’s crazy.

Q: So do you still keep in touch with friends from your old life? How do they feel about this change?”

It depends on how old they are. If they’re my age, they think I’ve gone over to the enemy. I’m dead. They don’t talk to me.

MARIANNE: Or like that woman on your soccer team who could sort of relate to it, but she was afraid. She actually felt a lot of the same things, but felt like the penalty of making that change would be the loss of a community that had been home for so long.

KENNARD: That was painful. And a lot of the guys who were lesbians really feel that. And a lot of times they tried not to transition, or to hold on to it as long as they can. It’s really hard. Like I’m completely invisible as a queer person now. I’m queer. I think of myself as queer. I can see queer people. We have queer radar, we do. But they don’t see me at all. Really, the place I’m most comfortable is with gay men. I love gay men. One of my best friends is a gay man, who taught me how to shave, took me to men’s bars, showing me what it was like to be a man. I mean he’s a gay man, but he’s a man. I can touch him— straight men are so touch-phobic. I can feel what his beard is like. He got naked in front of me. I’m like, “Okay, this is how men are made.” So I love gay men and I like to be with him. And when I’m with gay men, I’m part of this great community. I’m not invisible. They think I’m queer; I mean they think I’m gay, but that’s okay. If I’m with Marianne, I’m invisible, and people want to know why we’re there.

Q: And this is San Francisco, the home of the LGBT community ?

KENNARD: It’s still a binary gender system.