The School For Scandal [28]
the oddest Doctrine--and the
newest Receipt for avoiding calumny.
SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience
must be paid for--
LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----
SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do
anything you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor
to desire it--
LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor
out of the Argument? [Rises.]
SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see
still remain with you.
LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you,
that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.
SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----
Enter SERVANT
Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?
SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse
Sir Peter to come up without announcing him?
SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!
LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!
SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.
LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick.--
Oh! mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever
I'm so imprudent again----
[Goes behind the screen--]
SURFACE. Give me that--Book!----
[Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself!--Mr. Surface--
SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and
throws away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid
Book! well--I am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't
been here I believe since I fitted up this Room--Books you know
are the only Things I am a Coxcomb in--
SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--
and you make even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung
I perceive with Maps--
SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.
SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find
out anything in a Hurry.
SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--
SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--
SURFACE. You needn't stay.
SERVANT. No--Sir----
[Exit SERVANT.]
SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----
SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear
Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point
of the greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--
Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--
SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard
for me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect
that she must have formed an attachment to another.
SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.
SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd
the Person.
SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!
SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.--
SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me
just as much as it would you--
SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have
a Friend whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--
but have you no guess who I mean?
SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be
Sir Benjamin Backbite.
SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?
SURFACE. My Brother--impossible!--O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit
the scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure
has been charged with many things but go I can never think
He would meditate so gross an injury--
SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart
misleads you--you judge of others by yourself.
SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.--
SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear
newest Receipt for avoiding calumny.
SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience
must be paid for--
LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----
SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do
anything you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor
to desire it--
LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor
out of the Argument? [Rises.]
SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see
still remain with you.
LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you,
that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.
SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----
Enter SERVANT
Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?
SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse
Sir Peter to come up without announcing him?
SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!
LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!
SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.
LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick.--
Oh! mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever
I'm so imprudent again----
[Goes behind the screen--]
SURFACE. Give me that--Book!----
[Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself!--Mr. Surface--
SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and
throws away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid
Book! well--I am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't
been here I believe since I fitted up this Room--Books you know
are the only Things I am a Coxcomb in--
SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--
and you make even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung
I perceive with Maps--
SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.
SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find
out anything in a Hurry.
SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--
SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--
SURFACE. You needn't stay.
SERVANT. No--Sir----
[Exit SERVANT.]
SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----
SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear
Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point
of the greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--
Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--
SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard
for me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect
that she must have formed an attachment to another.
SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.
SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd
the Person.
SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!
SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.--
SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me
just as much as it would you--
SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have
a Friend whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--
but have you no guess who I mean?
SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be
Sir Benjamin Backbite.
SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?
SURFACE. My Brother--impossible!--O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit
the scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure
has been charged with many things but go I can never think
He would meditate so gross an injury--
SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart
misleads you--you judge of others by yourself.
SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.--
SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear