The School For Scandal [41]
her directly.
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.--Oil and Vinegar
egad:--you'll do very well together.
ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present--
SNAKE. Before I go--I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness
I have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.
SIR PETER. Well--well you have made atonement by a good Deed
at last--
SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never
be known--
SIR PETER. Hey!--what the Plague--are you ashamed of having done
a right thing once in your life?
SNAKE. Ah: Sir--consider I live by the Badness of my Character!--
I have nothing but my Infamy to depend on!--and, if it were once
known that I had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose
every Friend I have in the world.
SIR OLIVER. Well--well we'll not traduce you by saying anything
to your Praise never fear.
[Exit SNAKE.]
SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue--Yet that fellow is a Writer
and a Critic.
LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now
to reconcile your Nephew and Maria--
SIR OLIVER. Aye--aye--that's as it should be and egad we'll have
the wedding to-morrow morning--
CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!
SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first--
CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time--above a minute ago--
nd She has look'd yes--
MARIA. For Shame--Charles--I protest Sir Peter, there has not been
a word----
SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better--may your love for each
other never know--abatement.
SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle
and I--intend to do--
CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend--I am sure you congratulate me and
I suspect too that I owe you much.
SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles--
ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have
been in my debt for the attempt--but deserve to be happy--and you
over-repay me.
SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.
CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises--
and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it--
But here shall be my Monitor--my gentle Guide.--ah! can I leave
the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?
Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway,
--Thou still must Rule--because I will obey:
An humbled fugitive from Folly View,
No sanctuary near but Love and YOU:
You can indeed each anxious Fear remove,
For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience.]
EPILOGUE
BY MR. COLMAN
SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE
I, who was late so volatile and gay,
Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way,
Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows,
To one dull rusty weathercock--my spouse!
So wills our virtuous bard--the motley Bayes
Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!
Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives,
Learn from our play to regulate your lives:
Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her--
London will prove the very source of honour.
Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves,
When principles relax, to brace the nerves:
Such is my case; and yet I must deplore
That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er.
And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,
Born with a genius for the highest life,
Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,
Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom?
Save money--when I just knew how to waste it!
Leave London--just as I began to taste it!
Must I then watch the early crowing cock,
The melancholy ticking of a clock;
In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded,
With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?
With humble curate can I now retire,
(While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,)
And at backgammon mortify my soul,
That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?
Seven's the main! Dear sound that must expire,
Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire;
The transient hour of fashion
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.--Oil and Vinegar
egad:--you'll do very well together.
ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present--
SNAKE. Before I go--I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness
I have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.
SIR PETER. Well--well you have made atonement by a good Deed
at last--
SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never
be known--
SIR PETER. Hey!--what the Plague--are you ashamed of having done
a right thing once in your life?
SNAKE. Ah: Sir--consider I live by the Badness of my Character!--
I have nothing but my Infamy to depend on!--and, if it were once
known that I had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose
every Friend I have in the world.
SIR OLIVER. Well--well we'll not traduce you by saying anything
to your Praise never fear.
[Exit SNAKE.]
SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue--Yet that fellow is a Writer
and a Critic.
LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now
to reconcile your Nephew and Maria--
SIR OLIVER. Aye--aye--that's as it should be and egad we'll have
the wedding to-morrow morning--
CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!
SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first--
CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time--above a minute ago--
nd She has look'd yes--
MARIA. For Shame--Charles--I protest Sir Peter, there has not been
a word----
SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better--may your love for each
other never know--abatement.
SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle
and I--intend to do--
CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend--I am sure you congratulate me and
I suspect too that I owe you much.
SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles--
ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have
been in my debt for the attempt--but deserve to be happy--and you
over-repay me.
SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.
CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises--
and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it--
But here shall be my Monitor--my gentle Guide.--ah! can I leave
the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?
Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway,
--Thou still must Rule--because I will obey:
An humbled fugitive from Folly View,
No sanctuary near but Love and YOU:
You can indeed each anxious Fear remove,
For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience.]
EPILOGUE
BY MR. COLMAN
SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE
I, who was late so volatile and gay,
Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way,
Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows,
To one dull rusty weathercock--my spouse!
So wills our virtuous bard--the motley Bayes
Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!
Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives,
Learn from our play to regulate your lives:
Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her--
London will prove the very source of honour.
Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves,
When principles relax, to brace the nerves:
Such is my case; and yet I must deplore
That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er.
And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,
Born with a genius for the highest life,
Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,
Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom?
Save money--when I just knew how to waste it!
Leave London--just as I began to taste it!
Must I then watch the early crowing cock,
The melancholy ticking of a clock;
In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded,
With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?
With humble curate can I now retire,
(While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,)
And at backgammon mortify my soul,
That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?
Seven's the main! Dear sound that must expire,
Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire;
The transient hour of fashion