The Secret Lives of Hoarders_ True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter - Matt Paxton [36]
GOALS AND EXPECTATIONS
Setting mutually agreed upon goals and managing expectations helped keep Roger and his family on track. (We’ll talk more about setting goals collaboratively with a hoarder in the “Talking with Hoarders” section that follows.) Roger’s sisters started off with the hope that he would end up in a clean house, living a normal life, pretty much as they did. But they quickly realized that Roger had such deep-seated issues that they had to adjust their expectations. Roger struggled in social interaction. At first we thought he might have Asperger’s: His sisters said that while he had trouble making direct eye contact and carrying on a normal conversation, those symptoms had worsened after their parents had died. But as he bonded with our crew and his confidence grew, we realized that probably wasn’t the case. Still, his sisters began to consider that Roger might never be able to recover completely from hoarding. Although he was a young man, his hoarding, and the deep-seated issues that had been driving it, meant that he might not be able to live completely alone and might never have a spotless house.
For a late-stage hoarder, “recovery” may only be a tidy room or two, with no more new items coming into the house. Such a hoarder may enjoy a safe, comfortable life but will probably never be completely clutter-free. Setting realistic expectations for both the helpers and for the hoarder is critical. In Roger’s case it was important for everyone to adjust their expectations since the initial goal was to prepare the house for sale and move Roger to another home. His sisters stopped focusing on the ideal of Roger living alone, in a clean house, with a full-time job, even though Roger wanted to live alone and wanted to find meaningful work. They all came to accept that he could probably live alone with someone checking on him daily, and that he might find work through a program that included on-the-job training. They all agreed on achievable goals for Roger—not what most people would call “normal,” but much better than the life he was living with his hoarding.
Jackson, the early-stage Blondie hoarder, along with his partner, Mike, had simple goals—to clean and repair Jackson’s house, sell it, and help him learn some methods for limiting his hoarding. The overall goal was for the two to spend the rest of their lives together, and both were committed to doing whatever it took to make that happen. In this case, Jackson’s outlook for recovery was very positive. He had strong support from Mike, and he had powerful motivation to change because he wanted the better future that was available to him.
Early-stage hoarders, like Jackson or Ellen and Brad, the couple we first met in Chapter 1, are more likely to achieve the goals of a clean house and a relatively normal life than more advanced hoarders. Hoarders like Roger and Margaret have either spent so much time in clutter or are carrying so much emotional or psychological baggage that it is usually not realistic to expect much more than a relatively safe environment in which they can live and enjoy some level of social improvement.
Success or failure will be defined by whether or not everyone meets those expectations, but even then a family’s definition of success may change throughout the planning and cleaning process.
All goals (except in an intervention) should be about the hoarder. If a family’s goal is to get that eyesore of a house clean so it doesn’t embarrass them anymore, then clearly that’s more about them and not about the hoarder. To get the hoarder on board, the goals need to be ones that that individual can buy into, like having a working kitchen, or being able to invite people into the house, or complying with health and safety standards that have been imposed by the authorities.
▶ Goals for the Cleanup
Jackson and Mike’s primary goals focused on the elements of the cleaning. Together they wrote down their plan for