The Secret Lives of Hoarders_ True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter - Matt Paxton [41]
In my experience, I have often found that hoarders who are argumentative or bossy—some might called it spirited—work hard once they’ve bought into the concept. But if a hoarder is particularly stressed or anxious, the cleanup may go more slowly, and the hoarder needs to stop frequently in order to get himself under control. This kind of development requires continuing patience and support.
▶ Sharing the Burden and the Rewards
During Roger’s cleanup, his sister Kathy was always careful to say “we” when she was setting timeline goals and expectations. That way if the goals weren’t met, she could say, “We failed,” and share the responsibility with Roger. Hoarders have had so much failure in life already that they tend to easily assume more.
She was also quick to praise Roger, not the team, every time he took a step closer to the goals. Roger was certainly aware of his failures; he had been hearing about them his entire adult life. Kathy emphasized his accomplishments and abilities, and didn’t dwell on his failings. She became his coach, and encouraged Roger to see himself as a strong person who had the power to change his life.
From the earliest planning stages, hoarders should feel like they are equals in the process, because that establishes mutual respect. It also confirms a shared responsibility for the whole process. Hoarders who feel equal to the cleanup crew know that there are expectations for them, and they are a lot more likely to meet them when treated with respect instead of contempt or sarcasm.
The cleanup person’s job is to equalize the relationship through both words and actions. My crew shares stories of our own flaws and mistakes. When I tell stories about how my gambling got me into deep trouble, I follow that up by telling the hoarder that I know what it feels like to need help. I say that I’m there to offer support, not judgment.
We back that up with our actions. The house may be the hoarder’s mess, but equality means that everyone—hoarder and crew—steps up and takes on the responsibility for the cleanup. It’s one thing for cleaning helpers to say that they won’t be judgmental, but it’s much stronger to reinforce that by standing next to a hoarder and helping empty a refrigerator full of rotting food.
Working side by side with a hoarder, without judgment, is like a continuation of the dialogue. It shows the hoarder that he or she has value and something worthwhile to offer to others.
▶ Control Is Critical
At the start of every job, my crew and I thank the client/ hoarder for letting us help. This may sound odd, but we feel that it is important to acknowledge that the hoarder has made a choice to let strangers into his or her home, and that important decision initiates an entire change process.
For years hoarders have been told (or perceive that they have been told) that they are losers, slobs, messy, and out of control. They need to take control back in order to gain self-worth. Late-stage hoarders in particular have usually hit a point in life where they’ve failed at a lot of things. They’ve spent years beating themselves up. They’ve lost control of their house, of their possessions, of their relationships, and sometimes their jobs, diets, even personal hygiene. A cleanup is usually their first opportunity in years to impose control on their world, and to prove that they can be winners.
By having a sense of control over the cleanup, a hoarder earns back self-respect. Suddenly the hoarder has a team of supportive people in the house, listening to what the hoarder says. Instead of someone badgering the hoarder to throw items away, and complaining about the mess, people are handling things with care and asking where to put them.
Positive reinforcement throughout the process underscores the idea of the hoarder taking control. Hoarders aren’t used to it, and it may take a while before they begin