The Secret Lives of Hoarders_ True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter - Matt Paxton [43]
Daisy was one of the fortunate ones. Even though her hoarding had gotten to such an extreme and she was having many other problems, she was lucky to have a watchful and helpful neighbor, a responsive pastor, and a superb social worker who were able to set the wheels in motion for a good outcome.
THE TEAM ROSTER
Every hoarding situation is unique. Who needs to be involved will depend on many factors. The most effective teams will include a range of participants, from family and friends, to social workers and community support services, to county officials and professional cleaning services. Depending on the circumstances, many of the services may be available at no charge or the cost will be underwritten by a government or social agency. Whatever the case, knowing who to call on and what you can expect from them can make all the difference in the success of any endeavor.
▶ The Family
Li was a widowed grandmother who was living alone in a crammed-full three-story house in rural Connecticut. She had always been a passionate shopper, but her hoarding had escalated after her children moved away and her husband died. Her eldest daughter, Sunny, along with her five sisters and brothers had spent years trying to get their mother to clean up. Nothing worked until the children figured out how to persuade their mother to act by presenting her with what amounted to a business plan—a plan that appealed to Li’s innate sense of order, which had gone terribly awry. The plan identified the items they wanted to locate in the house, like some investment papers, family jewelry, and photographs. It pointed out how much more valuable the house would be if it was cleaned and maintained. And, after consultation with their mother, the children called me in.
The day my cleaning crew arrived, one of the sons took Li to his house to minimize her stress. Meanwhile, his wife and a sister stayed at Li’s house, working alongside the cleanup crew, putting in twelve-hour days of sorting and hauling.
Although this was one of the fullest houses I’ve ever done—and chasing out a family of possums that had moved in was a bit unnerving—it was also one of the easiest. There was just no drama and no negativity from this family, which I’ve seen so many times. Families dealing with hoarding can dissolve into finger-pointing and blame under much less stressful conditions. Instead, Li’s children were focused on what their mom wanted and needed.
Supportive, helpful family members are invaluable, as helpers and as emotional support for the hoarder. Family members who nag or blame shouldn’t be part of the team. Hoarders have already had plenty of negativity; the cleanup should be as positive an experience as possible.
In Roger’s case, his sisters decided that they and their husbands would be the core of the team. They undertook the research to determine who else could help: professional cleaners, therapists or social workers, and officials. They decided to include a Realtor to come assess the house and tell them what needed to be done before it could be listed for sale. After that they brought in some workers to estimate the cost of repairs.
Roger’s sisters knew that helping their brother meant more than just getting the house cleaned. Sure, extra hands are useful on cleaning day, which is why they wanted a cleaning crew or other volunteers. But more important is the emotional work that continues long after the cleanup has ended. They knew that spending time with Roger afterward would be critical to helping him learn how to socialize again and encouraging him to find a more positive activity to replace his hoarding behavior.
Roger’s sisters understood instinctively that if they started with Roger and then quit, it would become yet another loss and failure for him. They all committed