The Secret Lives of Hoarders_ True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter - Matt Paxton [44]
▶ Friends, Neighbors, and Coworkers
During Daisy’s cleaning, she was visited by the neighbor who had helped her when she got shut out of the house. The neighbor had never seen the inside of Daisy’s house and was shocked at how bad the hoarding was. Although the neighbor asked how she could help, Daisy didn’t want her involved in the cleaning itself.
A cleanup is deeply personal for the hoarder. The best team members are close family members, and after that the circle can widen to include specialists who can help with certain aspects of the job. Inviting acquaintances, coworkers, or extended family to help usually adds to a hoarder’s anxiety level. The hoarder is already worried about being judged by family and doesn’t usually respond well to opening up this secret life to the world at large.
The members of the team should be as discreet as possible about the cleanup. There are likely many acquaintances who don’t know about the extent of the hoarding, and it would be inappropriate for anyone involved to betray the hoarder’s confidence and risk changing the nature of the hoarder’s relationship with coworkers, neighbors, or others for the worse. There are always jobs that extended family or friends can do that may not directly involve the cleanup per se, like bringing meals, making phone calls, or running errands.
Once the cleanup is done, a hoarder will need relationships that are based on something besides hoarding. Having “outside” friends that draw a hoarder in healthy new directions is an important element of long-term success.
For a family trying to save money on a cleaning, a team of trusted volunteers can work, but they should be chosen carefully and with the consent of the hoarder. It’s important to remember that this is the hoarder’s team, not the family’s team. The hoarder will be spending long days with this crew, making tough decisions on very personal items. The hoarder needs to feel safe and comfortable. By the end of the cleanup, these team members will essentially be this person’s closest friends, and it is important that they stay in touch with the hoarder post-cleanup.
▶ Clergy
In Daisy’s case, that pastor at the church that she had attended for more than a decade acted as an informal social worker early on. He had her best interests in mind, and he took the time to find out what support was available to help her. He was also the only person who had her immediate trust, and he was able to pass that to the others he brought into the cleanup. It’s important to take advantage of “trust swapping” if the hoarder is already connected to someone, because establishing trust takes a long time.
Members of the clergy and other spiritual advisors are often trained to help with both emotional and logistical support. And because they are already trusted by the hoarder, they become important in the short term to help get things moving—and as ongoing support for the hoarder. A priest or minister has access to lots of local resources, not just city programs but also private programs or even individuals who want to help in some way. Many churches and other religious institutions have special support for those in need, like temporary housing quarters, feeding programs, or volunteer construction crews like the one that repaired Daisy’s house.
In addition to the professional cleanup crew, Daisy’s kitchen required a lot of labor, much of which was provided by supporters from her church.
Daisy’s pastor also spoke from the pulpit about her need, and recruited a revolving team of volunteers who helped with the actual cleaning.
A hoarder’s place of worship can also help reconnect him or her to the community at large. Daisy, for instance, volunteered for the feeding program at her church. Working with people in need helped Daisy feel good about herself and realize that she was more than just a hoarder. She felt confident that she was working toward building a worthwhile life, where she could help