The Secret Lives of Hoarders_ True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter - Matt Paxton [57]
After Jim passed away, his sons and daughter went through a mourning period. Because they couldn’t handle the emotions of the cleanup on top of the loss in their family, they closed up the house and let it sit for about a year. Had they jumped into cleaning right away, it would have been tempting to keep a lot of Jim’s things, especially because so many of them were actually valuable historical items.This is one way I see hoarding passed from generation to generation.
For Jim’s family, the waiting period turned out to be a good thing, because after a year had passed they weren’t as emotional, and they were willing to let more items go. First, they finalized the cleanup plan. Then they divided up the items that Jim had already designated to go to certain family members. For the rest, they drew straws and took turns choosing additional things they wanted to keep. After that, they organized a big yard sale. For them, that was almost like a big party. They had all grown up in that house, and the neighbors came by to reconnect and pick up a few mementos.
The sorting, cleaning, and yard sale could have been really stressful, because a legacy cleanup presents some unique challenges. Without the hoarder present, there’s no one to give the cleaning crew clues as to where valuables may be hidden (which is often the case with hoarders). And unless there’s a single surviving family member who’s been designated to be in charge, things can get dicey if the family starts squabbling over stuff. On top of this, the emotional issues for family members who’ve lost a loved one need to be considered.
A family doing a legacy cleanup has to agree on what the goal is and how to get there.The planning process can take longer and be more contentious without the hoarder, since the overall purpose isn’t always clear. One family member might want to sell the house, another might want to live there, and yet another might not be ready for cleaning and just want to wait. This kind of cleanup runs more smoothly the more time a family puts into assessing and creating a careful and equitable plan.
Team members need to know if any parts of the house aren’t being cleaned or if there are rooms off-limits, either for safety or structural reasons, or for privacy issues. And everyone needs to know where the hoarder will be working, so they can find that person to ask questions.
Any cost issues are usually private, between family members and the hoarder, or discussed with whoever is paying the bill. The actual numbers may be confidential, but it is helpful for members of the team to be aware that some decisions may be determined by the cost. Rick, for example, initially wanted to shred his paperwork, but when the estimate was over $20,000, he decided to just have it hauled to the dump for recycling. The team didn’t need to know the price, but they did need to know about the change in plan.
As with every aspect of the cleanup, reviewing the plan logistics with the hoarder as well as with the team in advance will create trust and lower the likelihood of drama as the cleaning unfolds.
DEALING WITH HOARDER REACTIONS
No cleanup will work unless everyone is aware of the many emotional and psychological issues that can delay or derail even the best-laid plan. I knew, for example, that Aimee felt really anxious about anyone entering her bedroom, so I made sure the team respected that and asked her permission each time someone went in.
If a hoarder has specific mental issues and is open about discussing them, then early in the cleanup is a good time to mention it. Say the cleanup is for an OCD hoarder who has to touch every item. The plan should try to build that awareness in as much as possible. The team leader can remind everyone, including the hoarder, that although the OCD is a legitimate issue, the hoarder might need to work on giving up some control if the job is to get done by the deadline. The team leader should use positive reinforcement, such as saying,